Sand Dune Weekend With The Man.

This post was originally written and posted on April 13, 2008.

It's not very often I get to run off and be with out The Circus.

Which, generally, is fine.

They're my girls and I'm glad to be their mom. It's something I will always be glad I did, despite how things went with my ex-husband.

But... this weekend I got to run away... kidless.

It was amazing.

Relaxing.

 If I felt like taking a nap... I did.

Of course, with two and a half days of playing and riding four wheelers, the only pictures we took were sitting in the trailer.

West (boyfriend of two months) invited me to go to the sand dunes with him and his group of friends. Neither of us took our kids.

I'll have to admit that at times I felt lost because I didn't know what to do with myself. (West admitted to feeling the same with out his kids), but it was such a great trip.

I learned a couple of things that were very important for me to learn.

I don't think I'll ever know how exactly deep the way my ex-husband acted towards me is embedded in what I think and how I react.

I got nervous when time came to sit around the campfire with all of West's friends... bad things happened when I did this with my ex-husband.

It wasn't fun, being either the attention he put to other girls and the pushing me onto his friends or the starting of the verbal abuse.  Campfires became a time of dreaded anticipation for me.

Going out with West and his friends... the campfire was actually fun. I laughed and talked and generally enjoyed the time there. West was completely content to be with me, and in no way willing to "share" me with anyone else.

What a strange concept.

I was completely at ease with him.

Another thing I learned is that he isn't going to tear down everything I try to do that I'm not good at. I didn't want him riding on the back of the four wheeler while I drove, it made me nervous having him there and I didn't want to know what he would say about it. I knew it was something he's extremely good at, but I'm not at all. I was afraid he'd get exasperated by my lack of skill and with the decisions I would make as I drove.

He wasn't like that at all.

He was so supportive.

 I don't even think I realized my ex-husband made me that nervous until I faced that situation with someone else and those feelings were suddenly there.

I told West how I felt and that I wasn't comfortable with him being on behind me while I drove. But he didn't let me get away with feeling that way. He climbed on and said he didn't care, I was still driving, and managed to put me at ease.

This entire weekend with him ranks at the top of my favorite memories list now.

What ever happens between West and me, I'm glad for the time with him. He's a great guy, with great kids, and he's great with my girls.

It's a good place to be right now.

West's dad came down on Saturday. After dinner West went outside and I sat at the table with his dad, Mike, talking. He told me dating stories and we laughed.

He cares a lot about West.

He's a sweet man.

I'm thankful for his being so friendly with me.

Daily Grind.

This was the first post ever written on this blog.  I wanted to keep track of my life, the details of it, and so that's what I first wrote about it: the daily grind.

This post was originally written and posted on April 10, 2008.

Divorced... with kids.

Someone should make a TV series out of it.

Seriously.

I'll admit switching gears from stay at home mom to working mom hasn't been easy. I'm still trying to get the hang of it. The routines are different and there is so little time to spare.

I'm up at 5:00 a.m., the girls are up at 6:30, and we're out of the house by 7:30.

Off to daycare where thankfully they eat breakfast because if I had to add just one more thing in the morning we'd never make it out of the house on time.

I say I wake up at 5:00, but realistically I'm rolling out of bed an hour later at 6:00.

Mornings are not my friend.

Some how, miraculously, all five of us are ready to go in an hour and half.

(Maybe I won't mention that sometimes this means compromise to avoid arguments, like Cali (3 years old) wearing her dance out fit and snow boots to daycare).

I can usually drop the girls off at 7:45 and make it in to work aby 7:55-ish, where I get to answer the phone (Thank you for calling Burt Brothers, this is Stephanie...) and scan my life away... one paper at a time.

I only have seven overflowing inboxes...

Lunch time is errands. If it weren't for that one sacred hour of the day I would get nothing done. I squeeze as many little errands into that one hour as I possibly can. This includes grocery shopping.

I start the count down for 5:00 at about 2:30, when finally I can hit the gym (more daycare for the kids, but they like all the friends they're making). The gym is the one thing in my life that I do for completely selfish reasons.

I do it for me.

Of course, this means dinner at 7:00, and somehow we squeeze in homework, baths, and story time to make it to bed by 8:00.

Not me, the girls.

After the girls are in bed, I get to do laundry and dishes and any other miscellaneous cleaning jobs like mopping and picking up stray toys.

Maybe I'll make it to bed by 11:00...

Buying A House.

This post was originally written and published on November 19, 2008.

I think back to a year ago when I was living in my birth-dad's house. I had $500 a month to my name and four little girls to take care of on that.

I marvel at how extremely blessed I am to be where I am now.

I just can not emphasize how happy I am!

I have my girls,
a new car,
a great job where I've already been promoted and training in new things,
great friends,
(the dating scene hasn't been too bad either)

and I'm buying a house.

I've come such a long way in one year.

Life is good, and I have been so blessed!

Check out this great online tour of the house. I should say though, anything can always happen so I'm trying very hard to stay level headed about this until we actually close and I have the keys in my hand. Right now closing is set Dec 15 to give the family time to move out. But as far as I've been told my application will be fine with the lender and I've paid my earnest money and we're under contract with it.

Halloween 2008.

This post was originally written and posted on November 19, 2008.

The girls got to wear their costumes to daycare on Halloween, so we got up first thing in the morning and got ready.

 After our obligations of work and daycare we headed to my sister McKell's house and went trick or treating and played with the family.

I just cannot say enough about my family and how much I love them and am so grateful for their love and support to me.

It was a great Halloween just because I got to be with the ones who love me most.

Jasmine Cali:

Witchy Tayler:

Poodle skirt Brynn:

Casidee the dead cheerleader (I knew that old Spirit club uniform would come in handy one day):

My brother Cody, Roya, and Yasi:

 Cody was a walking fortune cookie. "Confucius say, 'When path is narrow tread lightly,'" and "Confucius say,'When path is wide tread lightly.'" When I asked him what my fortune was he put his arm around me and said, "Baby, I see nothing but goodness coming from you, it only gets better from here."

I love my brother!

Bryce (nephew) looked amazing!

The trick or treating group, minus Daniel:

This is what happens when you pick Mom (me) to be your partner in the mummy wrap game:

Deja (niece) did a great job on Casidee:

West showed up with his kids in time for the games:

Sparring with my brother Cody, while the kids tore into candy and the adults were... outside by a toilet paper fire I think.

What was I thinking?! I've never done it before and the man had no mercy on me! He finally took one kick across my back that winded me and I was done. But certainly something I want to learn from him. It was fun to connect with him on something he enjoys so much.

Carving Pumpkins.

This post was originally written and posted on October 7, 2008.

I was a little nervous for Saturday.

West was holding a birthday dinner with pumpkin carving for his mom. The only other time that I had met his mom the evening ended with her leaving in a huff. Nothing of my doing, but still, I was a little nervous to face another gathering with her.

I worried for nothing though, it was actually a great evening.

West made dinner and we carved pumpkins in the garage because of our numbers being too big (his sister and Aunt and Uncle and neighbors were there also) for his kitchen and the rain prevented us from going outside.

West even turned on his fog machine.

Jayme's pumpkin: She had to be different and get a white one.

Sean's pumpkin:

Cali's pumpkin: Which for those of you who have ever had a three year old know that means this pumpkin was actually mine.

Casidee's pumpkin.

West's pumpkin:

Which looks a lot like he does when the camera comes out.


See what I mean?

Brynn's pumpkin:

Tayler's pumpkin, which looks really cool all lit up with no mouth.

Holy moly, that's a lot of pumpkins.  I think it's safe to say that our porches will be safe from the spooks this Halloween.

Mommy Daughter Date Night.

The post was originally written and posted on August 23, 2008.

It's hard to fit five people in a "self" shot!

It kept coming at me over and over and over, "I'm bored... I'm bored." 

And it wasn't even the kids saying it! 

I was utterly and uselessly bored out of my mind. Our house was spotless, the errands were done, I'd already read most of the day away, and I could think of nothing to do.

"Alright girls get some nice clothes on we're going on a date to a restaurant!" 

This is the fun part of having all girls. Matching cute clothes, doing hair, and since it was a very special occasion, we all put on perfume and lip gloss. To Applebee's we went in all our girl glory.

 And then, being as it was just we girls we went shoe shopping, and of course, topped the night off with Baskin Robbins. 

What would I do with out those girls to keep me sane? 

Though in the same breath, by the time we got home and I was ushering them into pajamas, they were completely driving me insane! 

Casidee put it best, though, when she declared, "this was the best night ever!"

I couldn't agree more.  Where would I be without those girls in my life right now?

It's Been One Year Since I Left Him.

This post was originally written and posted on October 1, 2008.

I'm going to be completely honest with myself, about myself, because really, that's not something that I'm good at doing.

For some reason I have this need to please everyone, and not let anyone down. I have to have it all together and be on top of it all and just be simply amazing in my life. Because if I'm not, I'm certainly letting someone down. Someone, somewhere, is going to look at me and judge me incapable in some capacity and I just can't stand to think that might be thought of me.

Well guess what, and of course, I say this to myself and only to myself, I am not capable in pretty much every capacity.

I can't keep the house spotless, and the kids looking like cute little baby gap models.

I can't cook wonderful homemade meals every night and sit and do homework with three girls while entertaining the fourth.

I can't make it to the gym every night and keep my car clean inside and out.

I can't show up to work an hour early and skip lunch.

I can't follow a budget and keep up with the laundry.

And if someone looks at me and judges me incapable, then I'm okay with telling them they're absolutely right. But until they have tried being a single mom with four children under the age of eight, working 40+ hours a week, and living all on their own with no support or help whatsoever, I say they don't know how remarkable it is that I'm doing as well as I am.

It's been one year since I packed those trailer loads with half the household furniture and took my four beautiful girls and climbed into a truck with my dad and left my "eternal companion".

One year ago.

I had been the "Stepford Wife". I kept in shape and got up every morning and got ready from head to toe, even when I wasn't going anywhere. I made all the meals, cleaned the house, took care of the car and yard, payed all the bills, handled all insurance matters, was PTA President Elect and Community Council Secretary, and I was in the Relief Society Presidency.

Let's not forget the four girls.

And I was completely battered to an empty shell.

My family marveled at my perfect marriage and life; I was sinking and lost in darkness.

Finally, one year ago, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I walked away from the only thing I had ever wanted to do.

And now... ha ha. Wow. Go back and read the first paragraph again.

BUT!

I am alive!

I remember how to laugh.

I can look in the mirror and really believe that I'm someone worth knowing.

I do work 40+ hours a week. I cook (I know every shortcut in the book now) and I clean (not well and not everyday, but it's still a presentable house most days). My children may not always look like they belong in a baby Gap commercial, but they are clean and clothed and smiling. I still struggle with homework, but somehow we manage to get it all done.

Room for improvement?

Sure thing.

Am I up to it?

Sure thing.

After one year I can say with out doubt or hesitation that I did the right thing for my life, and for my girls' life. And I have found ME again.

Even though I will still continue to put up the front that I can do all things, at least I can admit to myself that some nights I'm just overwhelmed and leaving everything unfinished and undone, and crawling into bed and turning the lights out on all of it for another day.

But even with that, I'm in so much the better place in life than I have been for a very long time.