He Knows You. He Hears You. He Has Already Provided A Way.

This weekend was Stake Conference.

I found myself thinking about another Stake Conference that had been pivotal in my life.

During my divorce I had moved in temporarily with my Brent-Dad and Julie-Mom.  It was a temporary solution.  I was, of course, struggling emotionally and spiritually.  I was walking away from a marriage that should have been eternal but ended up being mentally and emotionally abusive and oppressive, and had asked more from me than I should have had to give.  Even so, it hadn't been an easy decision for me to walk away from it.

I was having a hard time finding a job.  I didn't have a finished degree (the reason I'm pushing so hard to finish it now, I'll never be so unprepared for life again) and I had an eight year gap in my resume from being a stay-at-home mom.  The mental adjustment from being a stay-at-home mom to a single, working mom wasn't an easy one for me and it added to the situation.  I was cleaning houses on the side where I could with my sister, McKell, but had nothing substantial to provide for my girls.

A neighbor reached out to me one weekend and invited me to attend Stake Conference with her.  I don't know if she was acting on a prompting or if she was simply tying to be a nice neighbor to the new person in the ward, but I will forever be grateful for her invite.

The Stake Conference was being held in a conference center and I rode with my neighbors there.  I can't remember anything that was said in that conference, but I do remember that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the twelve Apostles was the concluding speaker.  To be honest, I can't even tell you what he spoke about, but at the conclusion of his talk he proclaimed that he felt the need to leave an Apostolic blessing.

Though I was sitting in a large conference center, full of people, that moment became an intimate one for me that it could have been just Elder Holland and I having a private conversation.  I knew in that moment, despite who else might be needing it, this was for me.

Elder Holland went on to bless fathers, mothers, and children with all the wonderful characteristics that fathers, mothers and children should have.

Then he said, essentially, to those of you who are struggling: He knows you.  He hears you.  And He has already provided a way.

A few weeks later I was offered a job with a company that took very good care of me and my girls for the next few years, even with a recession.  And within the same hour of being offered the job, my application for an apartment was accepted.

I had the things I needed to take care of my girls.

I'm no apostle, but I can testify to you that He does know you.

He knows you.

He hears you.

He has already provided a way.

And I have a firm testimony of the spirit and personal answers that can come from attending Stake Conference.

Sand Dune Weekend With The Man.

This post was originally written and posted on April 13, 2008.

It's not very often I get to run off and be with out The Circus.

Which, generally, is fine.

They're my girls and I'm glad to be their mom. It's something I will always be glad I did, despite how things went with my ex-husband.

But... this weekend I got to run away... kidless.

It was amazing.

Relaxing.

 If I felt like taking a nap... I did.

Of course, with two and a half days of playing and riding four wheelers, the only pictures we took were sitting in the trailer.

West (boyfriend of two months) invited me to go to the sand dunes with him and his group of friends. Neither of us took our kids.

I'll have to admit that at times I felt lost because I didn't know what to do with myself. (West admitted to feeling the same with out his kids), but it was such a great trip.

I learned a couple of things that were very important for me to learn.

I don't think I'll ever know how exactly deep the way my ex-husband acted towards me is embedded in what I think and how I react.

I got nervous when time came to sit around the campfire with all of West's friends... bad things happened when I did this with my ex-husband.

It wasn't fun, being either the attention he put to other girls and the pushing me onto his friends or the starting of the verbal abuse.  Campfires became a time of dreaded anticipation for me.

Going out with West and his friends... the campfire was actually fun. I laughed and talked and generally enjoyed the time there. West was completely content to be with me, and in no way willing to "share" me with anyone else.

What a strange concept.

I was completely at ease with him.

Another thing I learned is that he isn't going to tear down everything I try to do that I'm not good at. I didn't want him riding on the back of the four wheeler while I drove, it made me nervous having him there and I didn't want to know what he would say about it. I knew it was something he's extremely good at, but I'm not at all. I was afraid he'd get exasperated by my lack of skill and with the decisions I would make as I drove.

He wasn't like that at all.

He was so supportive.

 I don't even think I realized my ex-husband made me that nervous until I faced that situation with someone else and those feelings were suddenly there.

I told West how I felt and that I wasn't comfortable with him being on behind me while I drove. But he didn't let me get away with feeling that way. He climbed on and said he didn't care, I was still driving, and managed to put me at ease.

This entire weekend with him ranks at the top of my favorite memories list now.

What ever happens between West and me, I'm glad for the time with him. He's a great guy, with great kids, and he's great with my girls.

It's a good place to be right now.

West's dad came down on Saturday. After dinner West went outside and I sat at the table with his dad, Mike, talking. He told me dating stories and we laughed.

He cares a lot about West.

He's a sweet man.

I'm thankful for his being so friendly with me.

Daily Grind.

This was the first post ever written on this blog.  I wanted to keep track of my life, the details of it, and so that's what I first wrote about it: the daily grind.

This post was originally written and posted on April 10, 2008.

Divorced... with kids.

Someone should make a TV series out of it.

Seriously.

I'll admit switching gears from stay at home mom to working mom hasn't been easy. I'm still trying to get the hang of it. The routines are different and there is so little time to spare.

I'm up at 5:00 a.m., the girls are up at 6:30, and we're out of the house by 7:30.

Off to daycare where thankfully they eat breakfast because if I had to add just one more thing in the morning we'd never make it out of the house on time.

I say I wake up at 5:00, but realistically I'm rolling out of bed an hour later at 6:00.

Mornings are not my friend.

Some how, miraculously, all five of us are ready to go in an hour and half.

(Maybe I won't mention that sometimes this means compromise to avoid arguments, like Cali (3 years old) wearing her dance out fit and snow boots to daycare).

I can usually drop the girls off at 7:45 and make it in to work aby 7:55-ish, where I get to answer the phone (Thank you for calling Burt Brothers, this is Stephanie...) and scan my life away... one paper at a time.

I only have seven overflowing inboxes...

Lunch time is errands. If it weren't for that one sacred hour of the day I would get nothing done. I squeeze as many little errands into that one hour as I possibly can. This includes grocery shopping.

I start the count down for 5:00 at about 2:30, when finally I can hit the gym (more daycare for the kids, but they like all the friends they're making). The gym is the one thing in my life that I do for completely selfish reasons.

I do it for me.

Of course, this means dinner at 7:00, and somehow we squeeze in homework, baths, and story time to make it to bed by 8:00.

Not me, the girls.

After the girls are in bed, I get to do laundry and dishes and any other miscellaneous cleaning jobs like mopping and picking up stray toys.

Maybe I'll make it to bed by 11:00...

It's Been One Year Since I Left Him.

This post was originally written and posted on October 1, 2008.

I'm going to be completely honest with myself, about myself, because really, that's not something that I'm good at doing.

For some reason I have this need to please everyone, and not let anyone down. I have to have it all together and be on top of it all and just be simply amazing in my life. Because if I'm not, I'm certainly letting someone down. Someone, somewhere, is going to look at me and judge me incapable in some capacity and I just can't stand to think that might be thought of me.

Well guess what, and of course, I say this to myself and only to myself, I am not capable in pretty much every capacity.

I can't keep the house spotless, and the kids looking like cute little baby gap models.

I can't cook wonderful homemade meals every night and sit and do homework with three girls while entertaining the fourth.

I can't make it to the gym every night and keep my car clean inside and out.

I can't show up to work an hour early and skip lunch.

I can't follow a budget and keep up with the laundry.

And if someone looks at me and judges me incapable, then I'm okay with telling them they're absolutely right. But until they have tried being a single mom with four children under the age of eight, working 40+ hours a week, and living all on their own with no support or help whatsoever, I say they don't know how remarkable it is that I'm doing as well as I am.

It's been one year since I packed those trailer loads with half the household furniture and took my four beautiful girls and climbed into a truck with my dad and left my "eternal companion".

One year ago.

I had been the "Stepford Wife". I kept in shape and got up every morning and got ready from head to toe, even when I wasn't going anywhere. I made all the meals, cleaned the house, took care of the car and yard, payed all the bills, handled all insurance matters, was PTA President Elect and Community Council Secretary, and I was in the Relief Society Presidency.

Let's not forget the four girls.

And I was completely battered to an empty shell.

My family marveled at my perfect marriage and life; I was sinking and lost in darkness.

Finally, one year ago, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I walked away from the only thing I had ever wanted to do.

And now... ha ha. Wow. Go back and read the first paragraph again.

BUT!

I am alive!

I remember how to laugh.

I can look in the mirror and really believe that I'm someone worth knowing.

I do work 40+ hours a week. I cook (I know every shortcut in the book now) and I clean (not well and not everyday, but it's still a presentable house most days). My children may not always look like they belong in a baby Gap commercial, but they are clean and clothed and smiling. I still struggle with homework, but somehow we manage to get it all done.

Room for improvement?

Sure thing.

Am I up to it?

Sure thing.

After one year I can say with out doubt or hesitation that I did the right thing for my life, and for my girls' life. And I have found ME again.

Even though I will still continue to put up the front that I can do all things, at least I can admit to myself that some nights I'm just overwhelmed and leaving everything unfinished and undone, and crawling into bed and turning the lights out on all of it for another day.

But even with that, I'm in so much the better place in life than I have been for a very long time.

Today I Am Strong.

This post was originally written on September 23, 2011.

"Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's all right
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around.....

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same.
oh, oh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

The world's scared while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold coke
So cool in lying and we try, try, try
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect, to me"

-Perfect by P!nk

It's been awhile since I've reflected on the biggest, and absolutely the hardest, decision I've ever made. (here)

That changed my life forever.

 It's been... excuse me while I think about this for a second... it's been 4  years (7 years at the time of this reposting) since my divorce. And I love that I had to sit back and think about how long it's been. It isn't ruling my life.

What it boils down to is I didn't use put a lot of weight on the subject of emotional abuse. I would listen, I would hear, I thought I had sympathy. But until I went through 8 years of it, I didn't know what sympathy towards it was.

 I now have not only sympathy, but empathy.

Always being sneered at for the things you do and say.

 Never being able to laugh at yourself because you're too busy trying to hide how stupid you are from him.  Because he sure isn't going to laugh with you.

 Never doing it right.

 Not being tan enough, or blond enough, or wearing the right things. And when you try to change your looks to fix what he says isn't enough, you still don't get it right somehow.

I'm not listening for his truck in the driveway, wondering if he'll ever come home anymore. And dreading when he finally did.  Living in judgment, criticism, neglect, and heavy silence.

I think this is why I get so torn up over people judging others. How dare we tear someone down? Who do we think we are to do that to someone else? To take away their very thread of worth.

I left crawling, nothing, empty, black, blank, and heavy. And unless you've been there, you can never know how very dark that is.

But today, today I stand. I run. I am strong (I am woman hear me roar?). Today I know I am beautiful inside and out. I have my faults. But I work on them and it's okay.

I can laugh at myself and I feel so healthy.

 I can love.

 I am loved.

 And I can do anything I put my mind to.

Today I am able to teach my circus to do the same.

Divorce. How I recovered.

Over the last six months I've had a couple of people in my life face divorce.  And over the last six months those various people in my life have asked me questions.

How did you deal with the feelings?
How did you get to feel better?

{pic source}

And as I've heard the questions I've also had the memories of that time in life surface.

That's what this post is about.

I'm no professional, I have no authority to say these things.  All I can do is tell you what I learned for myself from my own experience.

The first thing I want to tell someone who is going through (or has just gone through) a divorce is that it's okay to hurt.  It's okay to feel pain.  It's okay to feel.

You have every right to go through the mountainous range of feelings that you're going through.

It's okay.

The next thing I want to say is give yourself a break.  Have patience with yourself.

It's going to take time.

And again, that's okay.

If you've known me for a long time you may remember the post where I talked about visiting with a therapist right after my divorce and the advice he gave (here). It's good advice.  He is a professional.  He does have authority to say these things.

Basically what he said (and I'm going to embellish a little) is that you are marketable. You are beautiful, smart, and have a great personality.  You're not going to be feeling rejected for long.  People are going to notice you.

I found that in the end of my marriage and in the beginning of my life as a divorcee, I truly hit bottom.  I did things I said I'd never do.  I lost sight of the things I knew to be true and goals I had for myself and life spiritually.

I struggled with myself.

That compounded the feelings I was dealing with concerning my divorce.  Not only did I hold great amounts of guilt for getting myself into a place where divorce happened, but I had also gotten myself into a place where I didn't like myself any more.  And I knew I wasn't living the way I wanted to be.

Another thing that therapist told me (this is also in that post) was to write it all out.  All the things I wanted to say to my ex but couldn't (or shouldn't), all the bitterness and anger that I was feeling, just write it all out.  And then burn it.  Literally.  Take a match or lighter and set that puppy up in flames.  And watch the feelings go up in flames with it.

Strangely, it worked.

I found after doing this that it was a lot easier to just let it all go.  When thoughts or feelings started creeping in, I could just breathe and push it aside.  It didn't have place in me anymore.

I would suggest finding a physical hobby as well.

Running really does work emotions out.  And it replaces them with happy endorphins.  And the muscles are an added bonus.

There came a point in my life where I stood in my apartment, all by myself, and knew that no one from church knew I was there.

I hadn't left a forwarding address with my previous bishop.  I hadn't met anyone in the ward I had landed in.

And at that moment I knew I could fall through the cracks and disappear from activity in the church.

And in that moment I knew I never would.

The process of repentance frightened me.

But when I took that first step, I found that I was surround by nothing but absolute love and support.

What I've found in my life is that I have never been so happy and content with myself and my life as I am when I'm living the gospel.

What I found is that even though I'm ashamed of where I let my personal life go, that journey gave me a depth of understanding that I could have never found otherwise.  Understanding of my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, understanding of the gospel, and understanding of those who are hurting around me.

Empathy is amazing.

Not that I suggest you purposely go out and find it that way, but honestly, if you find yourself there... the depth of love and understanding after getting your life back in order is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

So when people I love turn to me in a time of pain, I hurt for them.

I remember.

I know.

But what I want them to know is that they're normal.  And they're going to be okay.  And life has good things in store for them.

D&C 45:62 says, "For verily I say unto you, that great things await you."

Believe that.