Our "engagement"... what really happened. Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

I thought I was done with this "series," but it has come to my attention that I haven't finished it completely. 

Questions are being asked.
How did the girls react to moving?
How did the kids find out we were married?
How did they react to that?
Why did we stop keeping it a secret?

Valid questions, indeed.

West is excited for this story to be told.  The part where we finally decide to let the cat out of the bag, it's a good one.

Moving, again, was a challenge for us.  The girls had yet to attend the same school two grades in a row.  When I bought my house I foolishly made the promise to them that this was it.  We had a home and we weren't moving again.  They made friends.  They visited neighbors.  They loved it.

After West and I got married I started breaking the news to them slowly.  Saying things like, "wouldn't it be nice to not have to make this drive?"
"Wouldn't it be fun to live with Jayme and Sean?"
And they all agreed.  When I finally told them that we were indeed moving to West's home three of my girls were excited.  They could see that it would be better that way.

Brynn, however, did not.  That girl does not like change.  She likes things a certain way, in a certain order, and if it changes...
she melts down.

Moving?  Again?  But you promised we wouldn't.

I have not made that promise since.  How could I?  Life changes. 

It took Brynn a few weeks, but she eventually came around.  Before you feel too sorry for her, she had friends coming over to the house to play after school on her very first day after the move.  She found her groove immediately.

She hasn't looked back since.  Very often anyway.

In the month it took us to prep my house to move out of it, we were also prepping West's house for us to move in to it.  We turned a big basement room into a bedroom for the three older girls.  This meant painting and building a triple bunk bed.  It also meant moving Jayme out her current room and prepping that room for the two younger girls. 

There was a lot of chaos for a very long time.

A very long time. 

As far as the kids finding out we were married... I handled it like I would handle the question "is Santa real?"  On an individual basis as they thought to ask.

My mom found out during a phone conversation.  I can't even remember what was said but she asked me something and I hesitated...

"Did you get married without me?"

Our one year anniversary came and we couldn't even celebrate it "out loud."

Carrying a secret like that gets heavy.  And it isn't very much fun.  I wanted to claim my man.

Our decision to fully let the secret out came down to one conversation:

One day West's ex tells him that it would be nice if I started to use my real last name instead of his last name.  She claimed to be getting my mail.  First of all, what business is it of hers what name I use?  But since we're on the subject, and since you've so kindly brought it up...
"My last name is her last name.  We're married.  Perhaps, to avoid confusion, you should use your last name and not mine."
The thing is, I could really go off on this story.  But his response was so spot on perfect.  She tries to call me out for not having the right to use his last name when in reality it's her who doesn't have the right to it any longer.

Do "ex" stories get any better?

As it was, now that his ex was armed with the information that we were indeed married, we felt we had better just tell everyone.  We felt it would be better for us if our family and friends heard the news from us, and not through the grapevine because of her.

And then there was the kids.  Jayme and Sean.  We needed them to know from us, not her.  So we called a family meeting and sat down with all six kids and told them that we were married.  And that we were a family.

The response was overwhelming.  They literally cheered and clapped.  And then, as most things go in our house, we erupted into a giant family wrestling match right there on the TV room floor.

Then we started making phone calls.

And then we turned to facebook.  Because nothing's official until it's posted on facebook, right?

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Our "engagement"... what really happened. Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

A few weeks ago I was sitting in church waiting for a youth meeting to start.  One of the Young Women, Mik, pointed at my wedding ring. 
"That's a gorgeous ring."
I smiled, I do love my ring.  "Thanks.  It was my grandma's."
"What does the ring look like that West gave you?"
"He didn't give me one.  I wanted to wear my grandma's ring."
"You said 'yes' without a ring?"
"Well... there wasn't ever an actual proposal..."

West wanted to get married and do it right.  And by right I mean with all the details that he and I wanted.  The beach.  The dress.  Family.  Food.  Music.  Mostly the beach.  And the dress.  And the family.  But he was done living apart. 

"Just come live with me and we'll save for the wedding."

But I couldn't.  It was ingrained into my very being.  I couldn't live with him if we weren't married.  But what if...  what if we secretly eloped and didn't tell anyone.  Then I could move in and everyone would think that we still needed to have a wedding.  If they don't know we're married, they'll be excited about a beach wedding with us and they'll want to come and support us in it... right?

It made sense to us then.

I can't remember the details.  The timing.  I know that we talked about it for a week or two, mentioning it here and there, testing out how we felt about that alternative.  I was for it.  West was unsure.

"You know if we got married by the end of the year we could do our taxes together," West suggested.
We decided to call the court house and see if there were any openings.  It was December 30, 2009.  We had one more day before the year ended.  The court was all booked up, but on New Year's Eve 2009, West and I met at the courthouse during my lunch hour to sign a wedding license.  West called up his neighbor who lived three houses down that we had met a couple of times.  He was the LDS bishop in the neighborhood. 

Are you busy tonight?  Do you have five minutes to help us out? 

He did.

In a matter of 24 hours we went from months of talking about it to just getting it done.

It was almost a surreal experience, standing in that office signing the license with West.  He wants to marry me.  He wants to marry me?  I kept going back and forth in my mind between it being an excited statement to an anxious question.

Was he really ready to do this?  Was I?

After work I got my circus ready to spend the night at West's for New Year's eve.  I loaded them into my car and drove down to meet my... fiance?  I guess he was my fiance for a few hours.

It was like our first date again.  I could barely look him in the eye, and when I did I was searching for reassurance that he really wanted to be doing this. 

He was looking at me and trying to assess the same from me.  He was nervous that maybe I didn't really want to do it.

But we never said these worries out loud.  Not until later, much later.

I was quiet and didn't know what to say.  I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so shy around him all of a sudden, but after we got the kids settled down he took my hand, smiled at me, called me "Mrs. Withers", so he could be the first to say it, and we slipped out of the house and walked three houses down.

We stood in front of our neighbor's fireplace, holding hands, listening to him speak our vows, saying 'I do' to each other.  He slipped my grandma's ring, which I had been wearing on right hand up until then, onto my left.  And then a gentle kiss.  A kiss full of promise. 

We were in jeans.

In five minutes it was done.

I didn't get a single picture.  I regret that desperately.  And in hindsight, I regret that our kids weren't there.  We wanted them at the wedding. The wedding we were certain we would pull off. 

Two and a half years later we still have yet to seriously go for it.  We're too busy living.  Remodeling, vacationing, being a family.

I'm okay with that.

Since we made the decision to get married in a 24 hour time frame, I had yet to make any preparations to move to West's house and we lived seperately for the first month of our married life.  It was odd, not living in the same house as my new husband.  I finally got it pulled together, the house was on the market, the trailer was loaded up with all my worldly belongings, and the move was finally made.

A month after we got married, life with my new husband could really begin.

That's the real story. 

And we haven't looked back.

Part 4

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Our "engagement"... what really happened. Part 2

Part 1

In a last effort to "save" our marriage, my ex and I decided to try counseling to help us with the walls that had been built and with the issues that we had created in our relationship.  After having been to counseling I believe that it truly is something that can help you.  I went again to help me with the effects of things after the divorce and I was given what I needed to let go, forgive myself and others, and move on (here).

Marriage counseling will only help if both partners are willing to listen and take in what's being said and sorted through.  One person can't do it alone.

The ex and I met with the counselor together a couple of times when she suggested that she'd like to meet with each of us on our own. 

Apparently, with my childhood holding certain elements that it did (a small bit of that here), she wanted to talk to me a little more about that.  She told me that she was amazed that I didn't have addictions of my own.  She mentioned that usually kids who are left to raise themselves, in a sense, usually tend to console themselves in habits.  One thing that she pointed out to me was that I was in need of love.  I wanted to be in a loving relationship and yet here I was, married to a man who was incapable of giving it to me.

I only bring this up because I think it comes in to play with West too.  Not the part of him not being able to love me, because he most certainly does, but I believe the part about myself wanting a loving relationship, is what made me hang on through our first year of dating.

During our second date (which was supposed to be our first date), I was finally starting to ease up around him, and I could finally look him in the eye when we talked.  I learned that Matthew was his first name that he rarely used, and that most people in his life call him by his middle name, West.  I watched him swallow an oyster that I wouldn't touch, and our first kiss happened over a pool table.  He took me by surprise, he had just finished his turn and I was coming around the table to line up my shot, ending up right where he was standing when he just leaned in and gently kissed me before getting out of my way.  I looked at him in surprise and he just grinned that killer grin at me.

At that time in my life I was hanging out with my brother Nick and his friend Tyler (who happens to now be my brother in law), and we hung out a lot at a certain club where Nick was a bouncer.  That meant free entry and free pool for me.  Nick had hooked West and I up that night and it so happened that Tyler was there with other people on the pool table next to us.  After West kissed me and walked away Tyler leaned over my shoulder and whispered, "that was smooth."  I laughed, yes it was.  And I liked it.

The first year of dating West was a roller coaster. 
We'd break up (here and here).
We'd find ourselves back together only days later (here).
We'd break up.
We'd find ourselves back together only days later.
We'd break up (here).
After this break up I didn't contact him at all.  I was tired of being dumped.  The break ups were never harsh or rude, there was never any name calling or hurtful things said.  He just said that he knew he wanted to be with someone like me, but he couldn't.  He needed space and I came with me needing companionship and love, and four kids to boot.

Three days later I got a text.  "Can I call you?"
I was so confused.  I had been going back and forth between wondering if I loved him and thinking that this was not the man that I would marry.  I was ready by this third break up to let him just walk away.  I didn't want to do it anymore, no matter what my feelings for him were.

So of course, I let him call me.  And he felt bad that he hadn't heard from me at all.  I told him I was done being dumped, it was getting old.

A few months later we were lying on the couch in my brand new house having a "talk."
I told him that I knew how I felt about him, but I had no idea how he felt about me.  He was sitting, and I was lying across his lap. He said,
"I love you.  I love you very much."
And me being the stoic person that I am (ha), cried. (here)

I trusted that he did.  West wasn't in it for the game of it.  He wasn't feeling the need to win me.  There were no flowers or fluffy words.  He didn't do or say anything until he felt it.  Which led to a very frustrating first year, and a very boyfriend bragging second year.  It was this attribute about him that left me comfortable in knowing that I could trust his intentions, and know that he meant it.

West wanted me to move in right after we hit our year mark and finally said "I love you" to each other.  One month after I bought my very own house, moving out of my apartment.  I huffed.  Where was this four weeks ago?  You know, before I took on my mortgage?

I resisted.  I loved my house.  I loved that I was able to buy it and put my circus in a beautiful neighborhood.  I had great neighbors who helped me out so much and... I was scared of marriage.  So we dated for another year.  Spending every weekend and holiday together, taking the circus to Disneyland for the first time (here, here, and here) and going on a cruise to the Bahamas (here, here, here, here, and here) .  It was a half hour commute between our houses but we saw each other most week nights anyway.  I was living out of my car.  And if I wasn't driving to his house after work, we were on the phone texting and talking for most of the evening.

Finally, by the end of our second year together, talk of taking it to the next step increased. 
We wanted a beach wedding.  Small.  Intimate.  Tropical.
We knew we couldn't afford it.  West wanted me to move in while we saved for it but I knew I couldn't live with him if I wasn't married to him and it seemed we were at a stand still on the matter.

Until I thought of a compromise, and West agreed...

Part 3
Part 4

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Our "engagement"... what really happened. Part 1

Meeting West.

To refresh our memories, I announced the story of my engagement to West HERE.

Go ahead and read it, I'll wait.

Okay, up to speed?  It has since come out that West and I didn't get engaged that night, although that's the story we stuck to for a little over a year.  It's been sitting in the back of my brain that I need to record the real story. 

I get all giddy when I watch a chick flick or read a good girly novel because love is amazing and I certainly enjoy a plot where love overcomes.  It does not make we wistful and dreamy.  Why would it when I have my very own fairytale where love has overcome.  These things always make me relate back to real life and The Man that I have. 

The Man has a thing against people fantasizing over movie stars (I don't blame him), but seriously, it isn't about them.  It's about him.

I digress.

After my divorce I was pretty blank.  Empty.  And in desperate need of some validation.  I plunged almost immediately into the online dating world.  The first one I joined was a local group.  I had to go to their office where they did a background check on me making sure I was a good person and that I really was what I was saying I was.  And also that I really was single.  They also took a picture of me there in the office to put on my profile so there would be an assurance (on every profile) of honest representation of what I currently looked like. 

You know, so there wouldn't be any surprises that the pictures posted were all from 10 years ago... oh, so you've changed quite a bit in 10 years, haven't you...

I like the precautions that they took.  They also did monthly outings for the members to meet and mingle in real life and not just online.  I only ever went to one activity.  And it was after I'd already met West.

So I signed up and started looking around at who else was a member and found I was extremely disappointed.  No one really caught my attention.  I chatted with a couple, went on a pity date or two (which didn't help how I felt about myself) and found a real a$$ hole who left me feeling overly grateful that I'd never actually made it on a date with him.

I was a part of other dating sites too.  I met a few guys, shut down a lot of perverts, and ended up in somewhat of a relationship with a Navy guy.  It was long distance though and only lasted a few months.  He ended up dumping me, very harshly I might add. 

After that "break up" I went back to my local singles profile.  I left work during my lunch period and headed to my dad's house to use his computer. I hadn't looked at it since I'd started "dating" Navy guy so there were two months of emails stacked up.  I started with the first one, which was the most recent, and started deleting.  No one was catching my interest and I was disheartened.  In two months of emails, not a single prospect.

Until I reached the very last email.  Which, of course was the very oldest, dating back to two months prior.  It was an introduction request from Matthew, which, if I clicked to accept it, would automatically swap our personal info with each other so we could make contact off the website.  I looked at his picture and I'm pretty sure I forgot to breathe for a minute. 

The man was gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

He'd written on the introduction request: "Hi :).  I've been wanting to say hi for awhile but didn't know what to say. -Matt"

I panicked.  Two months is a long time to have not heard back from me.  What if he was dating someone else by now?

I took my chances and hit the accept button.  And then I printed off his picture to show the girls at work.  My heart was racing and I was excited and nervous all at once.  After work I ventured a call to him but ended up having to leave a message.

And I waited.  Man a live, I was scared.  Why was I so scared?  I was still struggling with self esteem and finding it hard that this man would be interested in me.  There was also the thought that two months had passed since his email. 

He called me back and I was elated.  And nervous.  And I had a hard time thinking of what to say to him.  He wasn't dating anyone, to my relief, and we talked for a little bit.  He asked me if I'd like to go out with him that weekend.  I agreed and we hung up.  It was Tuesday night.  I would meet him on Friday.

Or so I thought.

At 4:00 the next day I received a text from him.  He claimed that he was supposed to be going out to a movie with a friend that night but his friend had to cancel.  He was stuck with an extra ticket.  Did I want to go?

I called on Brent-Dad to step in as a last minute babysitter, which he graciously did, and I accepted the offer.  I felt rushed and flushed.  I was working at Burt Brother's Tires and every day I left reeking of those tires (here).  I didn't have time to shower and I desperately did not want to be smelling like a tire company when I met this man for the first time.  I went home, changed into fresh clothes, fed The Circus, got them ready for bed and then began frantically spraying body spray into my hair, praying that it would be enough to get rid of the smell.  My dad showed up and I left.

I shared a phone call with my brother Nick before that date.  I told him about the claim of having an extra movie ticket.

"He's playing you.  He's making a move.  There's no extra ticket, he's making an excuse to go out with you."

"Nick, I'm very okay with that."  It was a flattering thought.

I got in my car and drove to the outside mall strip where I was to meet him for dinner and a movie.  How original, I know, but our plans for a real first date on Friday were better.  I viewed this as our pre first date. 

I blared Maroon 5 on my CD player as I drove and tried to talk the butterflies in my stomach away.  It didn't work.  I felt nauseous and light headed, I was so nervous.  Not only from meeting someone I was finding to be so attractive, but from the thought that he would find me lacking. I wasn't sure I could face that.

I pulled into the underground parking garage and parked my car.  I took a deep breath and mustered all the confidence I could as I walked out of the garage and onto the mall strip.  I was on an upper level and I sent him a text stating that I was there.  He replied with were he was, which happened to be right below me.  I was standing by the escalator and as I traveled down I glanced around and saw him.

He grinned at me with those amazing smile wrinkles.  I noted his pale blue eyes and his leather jacket and his tan. 

I found it extremely hard to look him in the face.

We entered a restaurant and he gave the name "West" which confused me, and I figured it to be his last name.  I struggled to come up with things to say through out dinner, but somehow the conversation flowed.  He had a great laugh.  After dinner we walked over to the theater.

Where he purchased the tickets.

Nick was right, there hadn't been a friend leaving him with an extra ticket.  I was still okay with the excuse to go out with me.  And I still couldn't look him in the face.

We sat in the theater watching "Jumper" but I was very aware of his presence.  He didn't make a move on me, and by the end of the movie we sat with our shoulders touching, but just barely.  I knew I wanted to see him again and felt reassured that we already had another date set.  We walked to the garage and found that we were parked on the same level.  He walked me to my car and hugged me.

On my drive home Navy guy called.  He ended up being upset that I was "already" going out with someone else.  To which I asked him what did he expect I was going to do?  Sit around and cry for him?  I had no doubt in my my mind that I would be seeing this Matthew again. 

Very soon.

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

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Engaged

I wish the picture showed the amazing sparkle on the ring. The ring that I'm proud to wear not only because West put it there, but also because it was my Grandmother Tomlin's (that would be my dad's mom).
Picture it: Fire in the fireplace, curled up on the couch with the man you really thought you'd never be lucky enough to find, and yet somehow did. The kids actually getting along and playing games, giddy over staying up until midnight to ring in a new year. Anticipation of "new beginnings" that you always seem to feel, even if you're like me and never make resolutions, because frankly, if I'm going to make a change or start something new, I'm going to do it when I decided to, even if it's March, or September. Enjoying the perfectness of the night, and then that amazing man slips the ring I'd been wearing on my right hand off, and slips it onto my left.
Really, sometimes, words aren't needed because they can't express it fully anyway. And sometimes words would just get in the way of actions. I love this man. And now that I know a thing or two about how to be in a relationship, and a thing or two on how NOT to be in one, I look forward to a great journey with him.