He Knows You. He Hears You. He Has Already Provided A Way.

This weekend was Stake Conference.

I found myself thinking about another Stake Conference that had been pivotal in my life.

During my divorce I had moved in temporarily with my Brent-Dad and Julie-Mom.  It was a temporary solution.  I was, of course, struggling emotionally and spiritually.  I was walking away from a marriage that should have been eternal but ended up being mentally and emotionally abusive and oppressive, and had asked more from me than I should have had to give.  Even so, it hadn't been an easy decision for me to walk away from it.

I was having a hard time finding a job.  I didn't have a finished degree (the reason I'm pushing so hard to finish it now, I'll never be so unprepared for life again) and I had an eight year gap in my resume from being a stay-at-home mom.  The mental adjustment from being a stay-at-home mom to a single, working mom wasn't an easy one for me and it added to the situation.  I was cleaning houses on the side where I could with my sister, McKell, but had nothing substantial to provide for my girls.

A neighbor reached out to me one weekend and invited me to attend Stake Conference with her.  I don't know if she was acting on a prompting or if she was simply tying to be a nice neighbor to the new person in the ward, but I will forever be grateful for her invite.

The Stake Conference was being held in a conference center and I rode with my neighbors there.  I can't remember anything that was said in that conference, but I do remember that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the twelve Apostles was the concluding speaker.  To be honest, I can't even tell you what he spoke about, but at the conclusion of his talk he proclaimed that he felt the need to leave an Apostolic blessing.

Though I was sitting in a large conference center, full of people, that moment became an intimate one for me that it could have been just Elder Holland and I having a private conversation.  I knew in that moment, despite who else might be needing it, this was for me.

Elder Holland went on to bless fathers, mothers, and children with all the wonderful characteristics that fathers, mothers and children should have.

Then he said, essentially, to those of you who are struggling: He knows you.  He hears you.  And He has already provided a way.

A few weeks later I was offered a job with a company that took very good care of me and my girls for the next few years, even with a recession.  And within the same hour of being offered the job, my application for an apartment was accepted.

I had the things I needed to take care of my girls.

I'm no apostle, but I can testify to you that He does know you.

He knows you.

He hears you.

He has already provided a way.

And I have a firm testimony of the spirit and personal answers that can come from attending Stake Conference.

Sand Dune Weekend With The Man.

This post was originally written and posted on April 13, 2008.

It's not very often I get to run off and be with out The Circus.

Which, generally, is fine.

They're my girls and I'm glad to be their mom. It's something I will always be glad I did, despite how things went with my ex-husband.

But... this weekend I got to run away... kidless.

It was amazing.

Relaxing.

 If I felt like taking a nap... I did.

Of course, with two and a half days of playing and riding four wheelers, the only pictures we took were sitting in the trailer.

West (boyfriend of two months) invited me to go to the sand dunes with him and his group of friends. Neither of us took our kids.

I'll have to admit that at times I felt lost because I didn't know what to do with myself. (West admitted to feeling the same with out his kids), but it was such a great trip.

I learned a couple of things that were very important for me to learn.

I don't think I'll ever know how exactly deep the way my ex-husband acted towards me is embedded in what I think and how I react.

I got nervous when time came to sit around the campfire with all of West's friends... bad things happened when I did this with my ex-husband.

It wasn't fun, being either the attention he put to other girls and the pushing me onto his friends or the starting of the verbal abuse.  Campfires became a time of dreaded anticipation for me.

Going out with West and his friends... the campfire was actually fun. I laughed and talked and generally enjoyed the time there. West was completely content to be with me, and in no way willing to "share" me with anyone else.

What a strange concept.

I was completely at ease with him.

Another thing I learned is that he isn't going to tear down everything I try to do that I'm not good at. I didn't want him riding on the back of the four wheeler while I drove, it made me nervous having him there and I didn't want to know what he would say about it. I knew it was something he's extremely good at, but I'm not at all. I was afraid he'd get exasperated by my lack of skill and with the decisions I would make as I drove.

He wasn't like that at all.

He was so supportive.

 I don't even think I realized my ex-husband made me that nervous until I faced that situation with someone else and those feelings were suddenly there.

I told West how I felt and that I wasn't comfortable with him being on behind me while I drove. But he didn't let me get away with feeling that way. He climbed on and said he didn't care, I was still driving, and managed to put me at ease.

This entire weekend with him ranks at the top of my favorite memories list now.

What ever happens between West and me, I'm glad for the time with him. He's a great guy, with great kids, and he's great with my girls.

It's a good place to be right now.

West's dad came down on Saturday. After dinner West went outside and I sat at the table with his dad, Mike, talking. He told me dating stories and we laughed.

He cares a lot about West.

He's a sweet man.

I'm thankful for his being so friendly with me.

The Day I Quit Blogging.

Lately blogging and social media have felt... heavy.

Who really cares about that everyday mundane details of my life anyway?

The irony, of course, being that I'm writing this on my blog.  My blog that I use for precisely that reason.

But mostly I don't want to forget.  And I don't want my kids to forget.  And maybe grandkids and great grandkids down the line will be able to have a sense of who I was and how our lives were long after I'm gone.

So it's kind of different.

Kind of.

But not really.

And for the last several months I've been avoiding even blogging.  I was tired of the numbers game.  How many followers do I have on all those many social media platforms?  How do I keep those followers happy so they'll stick around?  How do I get them to click on my blog to up my blog clicks? Am I using the right social media platforms?  How many readers are clicking on my blog everyday?  Enough to get me that next paying blog post?  How do I get my comments up?

So I was pushing the social media. And stressing over it.  And using it because I had to.  The affiliate groups I've been accepted to expect it.  The business to blogger groups expect it.  But in doing so, I would find myself comparing my life to everyone else's.

I want to go there like they did.

I want to have a job like they have.

I want my house to look like their house.

I want to eat that food.

I want to loose that weight.

I want that hobby.

And it starts swirling around and around and around until it clogs everything up in my head.  I become dissatisfied with my boring life.  My boring, mundane life.  My boring, mundane life that has no direction.

And I was writing for numbers sake, not because it made me happy.  I started this blog to write my stories.  The stories of my life.  The stories of the ins and outs.  The stories of the life lessons.

But to get numbers you need more than stories.  You need ideas and tutorials and giveaways and connections... it became a business.

So I deleted Facebook from my phone.

And it felt so good.

I still have my Facebook account.  Both of them, because, you know, the blog needs one for numbers sake.

But it's not ranting at me from my pocket with every free moment I used to browse it anymore.

I felt like deleting Facebook was the first step to quitting my blog.  I journaled extensively before I ever blogged and I decided to go back to that.  Keep my ins and outs in a private way and family paths after me would still get a piece of my life to ponder over later.

Or something like that.

I was so done with it all.

I was there.  I was ready.

On Sunday my dear friend and neighbor gave me a hand written note on a cute card.  After church I opened it and the words immediately brought me to tears.  A story about a family member who was struggling in a tough situation and how no one in their family had the words to relate.  They had love and support for her, but no one had been through it to help her.  My friend shared a link from my blog with her struggling family member, telling me in this note that I was able to help her in a way that no one in their family could.  I had been there.  I had gone through it too.  And because of my blog, she had a source of help to know that she wasn't alone, she could get through it, and life was going to be okay.  In the words of my friend, she had an example.

Guys, I bawled.

And though I'm still over the numbers game, I'm not over telling stories.

What good are stories if you can't reach people with them?

I know my place in this world is a very small one, but I hope to live it as fully as I can.

And if you want to click on it and share it with me, then I'm glad you're here.

We can share our stories with each other.

Because we are all more than numbers.  And we all have stories that can help each other.  We all have stories to relate.

We're all in this life together.

Thankful. Faithful.

To, not only the guys in Beyond 5, but the entire team who are behind them as well:

Thank you.

I'm coming to you, right now, not as a fan, though I certainly am, and not even as a blogger, though I am that as well, but as a mom. 

I find myself in the situation where I'm the only parent my daughters have who is living the gospel.  Sometimes, when I sit back and think about that, the weight of it panics me a little bit. I know that no other parental figure in their life is teaching them the peace of the gospel.  Not by word, and not by example.

I'm it.

I'm far from perfect as a parent in general, and I know where my short-comings lie.  I think that's where my panic stems from.  With all my flaws as a parent, and let's face it, as a person in general, how can my voice alone be enough to counter all the other parental voices guiding them in their lives?

So I want to thank you.  I want to thank you for making the gospel cool in their eyes.  I want to thank you for your solid examples in the public eye, and for your kind words in private.  I want to thank you for putting music out that doesn't make me cringe, knowing my daughters are listening to it.  

And I want to thank you for your Faithful album.

The Faithful album that has been downloaded onto every single iPod in our house.  The Faithful album that is being hummed while hair is being brushed, and dishes are being washed.  The Faithful album that is pouring out of headphones and speakers at every turn I make in my home, and even in my car.  

I want to thank you for filling my daughters' lives with the spirit.

And for reaffirming that spirituality is fun, and very cool.

Because it is.

And they're getting it.

And I even want to thank you for giving me a little bit of that credit in their eyes.  The mom who first introduced them to their favorite band.  The mom who endorses such music.  The mom who gets how cool it is that these boys are putting this, this, music out.

Where ever else your lives take you, please know that you have left a solid impression on more people than you will ever know.  You once told me, in a sense, that you wanted to leave the world better than when you found it by the music you put out.

I'm here to tell you that you have done exactly that.

 And as a mom, I thank you for it.

***

This is not a sponsored post, but one that I genuinely feel.

If you'd like to find out more about Beyond 5's Faithful album you can find it 

HERE on Amazon 

HERE on Your LDS Music Store

It will be released tomorrow, October 10th, but you can pre-order it now if you want to.

 

I Am Brave And Beautiful.

Megan from Brassy Apple started her blog post yesterday by saying, "I am Brave and Beautiful – a beauty movement that is sweeping the globe. Colbie Caillat started it with her recent song and video called TRY. And I wanted to push this movement along and invited women from all over to join me and share what they looked like without make up on!! I’ve been hinting about it on social media as my “secret project”. It’s not a secret anymore! Colbie’s song says, 'Take your make up off. Let your hair down… Look into the mirror at yourself, Do you like you? Cause I like you… '"

This hit a raw spot for me.

Take a minute to read her post, if you haven't already.

I have struggled with my self-esteem for my entire life.  I can't even really tell you were it stemmed from.  Some moment or collection of moments long forgotten. 

I fought intense shyness caused by the lack of confidence I had in myself.  I tried to hide it through out High School and College.  I joined clubs and played sports and even ran for student body office (and ultimately won).  But I battled with my image in the mirror every morning.  Every date invite shocked me. Every boyfriend eventually friend-zoned because honestly, it couldn't be more.  Why would they want to?

A marriage to a man who was supposed to love me more than anyone else, but tore me apart instead.  My hair wasn't right.  My clothes weren't right.  I wasn't tan enough.  My boobs weren't big enough.  I did everything wrong.  I did everything at the wrong time.  I was boring to talk to.  I was boring to hang out with.  He didn't want to come home to be with me.

I just wasn't right.

After my divorce I tanned up and toned up with a personal trainer.  I visited a hairstylist regularly.  I removed hair with lasers that wasn't even visible, but surely it's what I needed to do.  I was desperate to be that beautiful woman that any man would want.  I needed to be the full package.

I wish I could go back and tell myself a few things.  Save myself some heartache and depression.  And painful laser treatments.

I see teenage girls, and even adult women doing to same things I did.  Primping on the outward appearance to gain what they hope will be a meaningful connection with someone.  In hopes that someone will validate their worth for them.

And I want to tell them.

It doesn't matter what anyone else says or does.  The battle that is being fought is in your own head, in your own heart, and you need to give yourself a break.

This life is hard.  It's full of challenges and heartaches and headaches and every other ache imaginable all on it's own.  Why do we compound it by tearing ourselves apart flaw by flaw?

I want you to write this statement on every mirror you own:

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I'm not even joking.  Do it.

Remind yourself of what you need to be thinking about yourself.

I used makeup as a safety blanket.  I believe absolutely that you should get up in the morning and get fully ready for the day.  Even if you have nowhere to go and no one to see.  For me this consists of showering and shaving, doing my hair and makeup, and wearing real clothes.  Not yoga pants.  Not sweats.  If I'm working, obviously I'm putting on nicer clothes, but even when I'm not, I'm wearing good jeans and some sort of necklace with that t-shirt and those flip flops. 

When I had Lasik done a few months ago I had to go without makeup for a week and a half after the procedure was done.

I have not gone a day without makeup for... I can't even tell you.  Probably Jr. High.

And there I was facing a week and a half of it.

I had to go to work with a bare face.  I had to go to church with a bare face.  I had to face my husband with a bare face.

I would do my hair and put on my best clothes and remember the words of my Grandma Martin, "if you're smiling no one will notice anything else about you."

So I smiled, even while I was dying inside, knowing as I walked into my office, or through the church doors, that people would be shocked by how washed out and pale I looked without makeup.  

And then I heard it.

"Wow, I don't know what it is, but you look so pretty today."

"You have such pretty eyes."

"Your skin is perfect."

And I blushed.  Shocked.  Surprised.  Taken totally off guard.  And I would confess to not being allowed to wear makeup and found myself even apologizing for not having it on.  And they would look at me confused and say, "oh, I didn't even notice you weren't wearing any."

To all of you who hide behind the makeup and the clothes.  Who cling to the imaginary expectations of society of what a beautiful woman should look like.  You.  Are. Wrong.

Give yourself the credit you deserve.

You are beautiful!  You are brave!

And so am I.

With that I join Megan's campaign and post my picture of myself with no makeup. And no filter.

This last weekend The Man and I took The Circus to Moab for camping, hiking, and riding.  We woke up at 4:30 Thursday morning, jumped in the car and headed off for an adventure.  I hadn't washed my face and still had my makeup on from work the day before.

Always.

But Thursday night, after a hot day of hiking, I sat down with my makeup remover and wiped my face clean.

And it stayed that way for the next three days.

And I was okay with it.

I was good.

Even while shopping and eating out for dinner one night.

Because The Man doesn't love me for my mascara.  And my kids don't love me for my eyeliner.  And I'm no longer defined by my mask of foundation.

I am beautiful.  Just as I am.

I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize that about yourself.

Join the movement.  Post your pictures sans makeup on your social media and tag it #IAmBraveAndBeautiful and #ColbieTry

And show the world what the definition of beauty really is.

I Am A Child Of God.

This was originally written and posted on October 14, 2011.

One of my most dear memories, and yet most heart wrenching memories, of Cali came to the font of my mind just now.

She was only three.

She was so small. And her tiny three year old voice...

Man I love my children.

But I feel such regret that I didn't know how precious they were at that young age, until they weren't that young age anymore. I feel such heartache over it. I feel like I've been such a terrible mom.
But I'm trying to learn from that, and curb the cycle. When I start getting frustrated, or annoyed, or overwhelmed, I stand back and think of how they looked, smelt, and sounded when they were about 18 months old, or two. And I take in the feeling that I have that I didn't appreciate them as much as I needed to at that age, and I hold on to that regret.

I look at my sassy 11 year old, and picture her at two. And knowing that I don't want anymore regret about the kind of mother that I'm not, I let that aching feeling into my heart, and it helps me bring to surface how much this child means to me in the heat of a tough moment. And I'm better able to react with love (which doesn't rule out disciplining if it's needed, it just means that my discipline is coming from a much better place than simply angry reaction), and to keep a dearness of them in the moment.

One of the moments I think of is when we were at Starvation Reservoir as a family with West and his kids. West and I were still dating. I was struggling with my activity in church. My divorce had knocked the wind out of me, and my bishop at the time of my divorce had knocked the last leg I was standing on, out from under me. I know I have a Savior. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. But struggle I was.

I was sitting in the bow of the speed boat.  We were driving fast and the wind was whipping through our hair. Cali was sitting across from me. In all of her innocent three year oldness.

And I heard it.

Blowing to me on the wind.

Her tender, small voice softly singing, "I am a child of God, and He has sent me hear, has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday."

I choked up with tears.

As she finished her song, completely unaware that I had even heard it, I pulled her into my arms and knew that I needed to teach her with all the love and understanding that I possessed.

I was thinking of that moment this morning. And though I was still hit with it like a sledgehammer, I found it was more tender than achy. Which I'll take as a sign that my efforts to curb my cycle with my children may be working. I'm loving and appreciating them now. All though I'm far from being the mother I think I should be, I have come a long way with them. And I will forever be grateful for the chaos they create in my life. They are my life. They are my biggest support group and my own personal fan club. And I am that for them. I love them with all that I am. And I hope I can show them that as I try my best to prepare them for life.

It's Been One Year Since I Left Him.

This post was originally written and posted on October 1, 2008.

I'm going to be completely honest with myself, about myself, because really, that's not something that I'm good at doing.

For some reason I have this need to please everyone, and not let anyone down. I have to have it all together and be on top of it all and just be simply amazing in my life. Because if I'm not, I'm certainly letting someone down. Someone, somewhere, is going to look at me and judge me incapable in some capacity and I just can't stand to think that might be thought of me.

Well guess what, and of course, I say this to myself and only to myself, I am not capable in pretty much every capacity.

I can't keep the house spotless, and the kids looking like cute little baby gap models.

I can't cook wonderful homemade meals every night and sit and do homework with three girls while entertaining the fourth.

I can't make it to the gym every night and keep my car clean inside and out.

I can't show up to work an hour early and skip lunch.

I can't follow a budget and keep up with the laundry.

And if someone looks at me and judges me incapable, then I'm okay with telling them they're absolutely right. But until they have tried being a single mom with four children under the age of eight, working 40+ hours a week, and living all on their own with no support or help whatsoever, I say they don't know how remarkable it is that I'm doing as well as I am.

It's been one year since I packed those trailer loads with half the household furniture and took my four beautiful girls and climbed into a truck with my dad and left my "eternal companion".

One year ago.

I had been the "Stepford Wife". I kept in shape and got up every morning and got ready from head to toe, even when I wasn't going anywhere. I made all the meals, cleaned the house, took care of the car and yard, payed all the bills, handled all insurance matters, was PTA President Elect and Community Council Secretary, and I was in the Relief Society Presidency.

Let's not forget the four girls.

And I was completely battered to an empty shell.

My family marveled at my perfect marriage and life; I was sinking and lost in darkness.

Finally, one year ago, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I walked away from the only thing I had ever wanted to do.

And now... ha ha. Wow. Go back and read the first paragraph again.

BUT!

I am alive!

I remember how to laugh.

I can look in the mirror and really believe that I'm someone worth knowing.

I do work 40+ hours a week. I cook (I know every shortcut in the book now) and I clean (not well and not everyday, but it's still a presentable house most days). My children may not always look like they belong in a baby Gap commercial, but they are clean and clothed and smiling. I still struggle with homework, but somehow we manage to get it all done.

Room for improvement?

Sure thing.

Am I up to it?

Sure thing.

After one year I can say with out doubt or hesitation that I did the right thing for my life, and for my girls' life. And I have found ME again.

Even though I will still continue to put up the front that I can do all things, at least I can admit to myself that some nights I'm just overwhelmed and leaving everything unfinished and undone, and crawling into bed and turning the lights out on all of it for another day.

But even with that, I'm in so much the better place in life than I have been for a very long time.

Today I Am Strong.

This post was originally written on September 23, 2011.

"Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's all right
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around.....

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same.
oh, oh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

The world's scared while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold coke
So cool in lying and we try, try, try
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect, to me"

-Perfect by P!nk

It's been awhile since I've reflected on the biggest, and absolutely the hardest, decision I've ever made. (here)

That changed my life forever.

 It's been... excuse me while I think about this for a second... it's been 4  years (7 years at the time of this reposting) since my divorce. And I love that I had to sit back and think about how long it's been. It isn't ruling my life.

What it boils down to is I didn't use put a lot of weight on the subject of emotional abuse. I would listen, I would hear, I thought I had sympathy. But until I went through 8 years of it, I didn't know what sympathy towards it was.

 I now have not only sympathy, but empathy.

Always being sneered at for the things you do and say.

 Never being able to laugh at yourself because you're too busy trying to hide how stupid you are from him.  Because he sure isn't going to laugh with you.

 Never doing it right.

 Not being tan enough, or blond enough, or wearing the right things. And when you try to change your looks to fix what he says isn't enough, you still don't get it right somehow.

I'm not listening for his truck in the driveway, wondering if he'll ever come home anymore. And dreading when he finally did.  Living in judgment, criticism, neglect, and heavy silence.

I think this is why I get so torn up over people judging others. How dare we tear someone down? Who do we think we are to do that to someone else? To take away their very thread of worth.

I left crawling, nothing, empty, black, blank, and heavy. And unless you've been there, you can never know how very dark that is.

But today, today I stand. I run. I am strong (I am woman hear me roar?). Today I know I am beautiful inside and out. I have my faults. But I work on them and it's okay.

I can laugh at myself and I feel so healthy.

 I can love.

 I am loved.

 And I can do anything I put my mind to.

Today I am able to teach my circus to do the same.

I Am Not Alone.

Is it too late to decide that taking math and Spanish in the same semester might be a little too much?

Yeah?

I thought so.

As it is, only 35 days until graduation so even though I feel I'm barely hanging on to life by my fingernails there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to feel it.

I just want to say that I know my Heavenly Father has helped me through this semester.

Probably in the usual ways with understanding on the subjects I'm studying, but in other ways too.

Sometimes the ways He helps us are subtle and we don't even realize what's happening if we don't take the time to notice it.

Exhaustion has been my constant companion this semester.  I just can't get enough sleep.  I'm waking up at 4:45 in the morning and running strong and hard with classes, homework, work, occasional manuscript deadlines, church duties, and family.  

By the time I'm ushering The Circus off to bed at 9:00 I feel I have just enough movement left in my limbs to fall into bed myself.  

And then I wake up and do it all over again.

There's a few things I feel I'm being helped with.

1. I can get up and do it all over again.  Somehow, even with the exhaustion, I'm still going.  

2. Even with a 24 hour stomach bug and several colds circulating our home this winter, I've been solid in my own health.

3.  A husband who hasn't complained about my load and how it affects what I can and can't get done around the house one bit.  Not once.  Even when he's eating ramen for the third night in a row.

4.  Kids who have never complained about my load and how it affects what I can and can't get done around the house one bit.  Not once.  Even when they can't go to a friend's house "today" because Mom has class and can't come pick them up.

5. Friends who have never complained about my load and how it affects what I can and can't get done at church.  Not once.  Even if they have to fill in for me on Wednesday nights because I have Spanish class for a few months.

6.  Somehow I'm not behind on anything.  Due dates are met.  Deadlines are met.  Meetings are attended (mostly).  40 hours is put in at work.  Projects are finished.  Errands are run.  Appointments are made. A bedroom was repainted.  I attend soccer games.  I attend orchestra concerts.  I teach lessons.  And I still have time to talk with my children every day and fit a date night in with The Man on the weekend.

Though blog posts have become scarce.  I guess something had to give.

If I stop to notice it, I'm being held up.  I'm being buoyed.  

I feel the term "count your blessings" is thrown around flippantly.  We're used to it, we hear and say it in such an off handed way.  But in all honesty, if life is feeling hard, or heavy, or exhausting, take a step back and look at how blessed you are in all of it.  

We get busy.  We get tired.  And sometimes there isn't anything we can do about it but push forward.  But we are not alone.

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."  Doctrine and Covenants 84:88.

Elaine Dalton taught us: "In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things." (Alma 20:4).

Sheri Dew taught us: "But the Lord in His mercy has made it so that we need never deal with the challenges of mortality alone."

"President Hinckley has often said that the only way he knows to get anything done is to get on his knees and plead for help and then get on his feet and go to work. (Here)"  I feel that to be true, especially in this phase of my life.  But I know, despite how big it seems, and how exhausting it feels, and how much guilt I sometimes carry at all that I'm not doing, He is pulling me through.  

I am not alone.  

And neither are you.

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I'm a Recovering Bully

I started out today feeling like I needed to take a strong, hard look at myself.

And it weighed heavily on my mind.

And then I saw this video, though it's been floating around my social media, and even in my Youtube notifications for a bit now, I'd not take the time to actually watch it until this morning.



I hope this video drives home a message for so many.  And not just our youth who are in Jr. High/Middle School and High School.  But for we adults as well.  The dynamics are there in our workplaces, in our playgroups, in different organizations we're involved in, and in the people who cross our paths in life in general (road rage anyone?).  It's also there in our homes with our own children and spouses.  A lot of us have the situations where we're dealing with ex's and ex-family, and I know that I've been bullied by an ex-family member that I used to love and respect.  But I know I've also felt the affliction of the feelings that make us lash out at people.

"I imagine that every person on earth has been affected in some way by the destructive spirit of contention, resentment, and revenge. Perhaps there are even times when we recognize this spirit in ourselves. When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment."

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!" (Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Merciful Obtain Mercy, read it in full HERE).

I've been on both sides of this spectrum.

I'm a recovering bully.

At the old age of 11 years I had a quick mouth and would say whatever I wanted to and about people, even if I knew it was hurtful.  Even if I knew it wasn't always true.  At that time I never thought of myself as a bully.  My friends laughed and thought I was funny and the only reason I did it was for the positive attention I felt I was getting.  I looked at myself as being more of a comedian.

Which I think might be the case with the boys in this video.

I lost a lot of those friends because of my behavior.

As an adult I took on the mantra to never speak ill of anyone for any reason.  And I feel like I had true friendships, friendships that proved to be solid at the difficult time in my life when I needed them.

And I watched how the actions of someone who used to be so beloved to me, someone I greatly admired and respected, turned on me in a cruel manner, either ignoring my presence altogether while I stood there before them, or simply giving me dirty and hurtful looks, not even trying to mask the contempt that was being felt for me.

No matter how justified we think we are when it comes to this treatment of others, no matter how flippant we think it is in passing, no matter how much we think we have the right to be hurtful because we have been hurt, the plain and simple truth is that we are wrong.

And we must stop it.

"Do you harbor a grudge against someone else?

Do you gossip, even when what you say may be true?

Do you exclude, push away, or punish others because of something they have done?

Do you secretly envy another?

Do you wish to cause harm to someone?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to apply the two-word sermon from earlier: stop it!" (Uchtdorf HERE).

We don't know the other side of the story.  We don't know why people act the way they do, even if we feel we're close enough to the situation, we don't know.  We don't have the right to say things or act in a way that portray others in a way that is less than ourselves, even if we think it's just in passing or just in jest.  We don't even have the right to lash out when we feel it's deserved.  They've hurt us and we have the right to act that way, they brought it on themselves, we certainly are justified are we not?

Stop it.

"Our Savior has spoken so clearly on this subject that there is little room for private interpretation. 'I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive,' but then He said, '… of you it is required to forgive all men.'" (Uchtdorf HERE)

It is my job to love.

It is my job to open up to everyone and make sure that I'm the friend that's there when anyone needs one.

It's my job to make sure there is harmony in my home, in my work place, in my organizations, in my associations, and yes, even on the road.

It isn't my job to be concerned if anyone else is doing their job with this.  It's just my job to make sure that I'm doing it, myself.

It is not my job to dole out judgement and payment.

It is my job to forgive.

That's a pretty big job.

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Divorce. How I recovered.

Over the last six months I've had a couple of people in my life face divorce.  And over the last six months those various people in my life have asked me questions.

How did you deal with the feelings?
How did you get to feel better?

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And as I've heard the questions I've also had the memories of that time in life surface.

That's what this post is about.

I'm no professional, I have no authority to say these things.  All I can do is tell you what I learned for myself from my own experience.

The first thing I want to tell someone who is going through (or has just gone through) a divorce is that it's okay to hurt.  It's okay to feel pain.  It's okay to feel.

You have every right to go through the mountainous range of feelings that you're going through.

It's okay.

The next thing I want to say is give yourself a break.  Have patience with yourself.

It's going to take time.

And again, that's okay.

If you've known me for a long time you may remember the post where I talked about visiting with a therapist right after my divorce and the advice he gave (here). It's good advice.  He is a professional.  He does have authority to say these things.

Basically what he said (and I'm going to embellish a little) is that you are marketable. You are beautiful, smart, and have a great personality.  You're not going to be feeling rejected for long.  People are going to notice you.

I found that in the end of my marriage and in the beginning of my life as a divorcee, I truly hit bottom.  I did things I said I'd never do.  I lost sight of the things I knew to be true and goals I had for myself and life spiritually.

I struggled with myself.

That compounded the feelings I was dealing with concerning my divorce.  Not only did I hold great amounts of guilt for getting myself into a place where divorce happened, but I had also gotten myself into a place where I didn't like myself any more.  And I knew I wasn't living the way I wanted to be.

Another thing that therapist told me (this is also in that post) was to write it all out.  All the things I wanted to say to my ex but couldn't (or shouldn't), all the bitterness and anger that I was feeling, just write it all out.  And then burn it.  Literally.  Take a match or lighter and set that puppy up in flames.  And watch the feelings go up in flames with it.

Strangely, it worked.

I found after doing this that it was a lot easier to just let it all go.  When thoughts or feelings started creeping in, I could just breathe and push it aside.  It didn't have place in me anymore.

I would suggest finding a physical hobby as well.

Running really does work emotions out.  And it replaces them with happy endorphins.  And the muscles are an added bonus.

There came a point in my life where I stood in my apartment, all by myself, and knew that no one from church knew I was there.

I hadn't left a forwarding address with my previous bishop.  I hadn't met anyone in the ward I had landed in.

And at that moment I knew I could fall through the cracks and disappear from activity in the church.

And in that moment I knew I never would.

The process of repentance frightened me.

But when I took that first step, I found that I was surround by nothing but absolute love and support.

What I've found in my life is that I have never been so happy and content with myself and my life as I am when I'm living the gospel.

What I found is that even though I'm ashamed of where I let my personal life go, that journey gave me a depth of understanding that I could have never found otherwise.  Understanding of my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, understanding of the gospel, and understanding of those who are hurting around me.

Empathy is amazing.

Not that I suggest you purposely go out and find it that way, but honestly, if you find yourself there... the depth of love and understanding after getting your life back in order is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

So when people I love turn to me in a time of pain, I hurt for them.

I remember.

I know.

But what I want them to know is that they're normal.  And they're going to be okay.  And life has good things in store for them.

D&C 45:62 says, "For verily I say unto you, that great things await you."

Believe that.

Show Me Then.

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In the hustle and bustle of life I've had specific goals and plans that I've been trying to reach towards.  Steps that I'm trying to take to get me in the right direction.

And none of them were coming together the way I was hoping they would.

Which led me to struggle with doubt of what I was trying to do with my life.

Which led me feel like I had no idea what I was doing.

Which made me kind of grumpy all around.

The domino effect can be staggering.

I hit a bottom of sorts where I threw my hands up, in the recesses of my mind, and determined in a half prayer, "show me then.  Because everything I've been trying to do is falling flat and I just don't know anymore."

It wasn't a challenge.

It was absolutely sincere.

And that's where I left it.

Monday dawned, as Monday's tend to do, and I felt I was wearing a blanket of blah around me.  I was a bit sad, and completely frustrated with myself, and I was absolutely full of doubt over my life. We were questioning if The Man would get his full check from a company he frames for (they like to keep some of it sometimes for various reasons), I had my math final that day, and I was lost as to other steps I had reached out to and felt they had fallen flat.

And I prayed, as I tend to do.

As the day progressed a few things happened that drastically changed my mood from feeling like I was curled up on the fetal position on the ground, to soaring on cloud nine.

The Man did indeed get his full check.
I aced my math final.
A website picked up some shirts we were trying to sell from our boutique.
I got an answer to an email that I had given up hope on, giving me the opportunity to take a proofreading test to be a freelance proofreader for a publishing company (I'm turning it in today! Eek!).
And as a cherry on top, I got an unsolicited email from a company asking to meet me with me to partner up with my blog.  ( I have big hopes for this!  Stay tuned, we meet today!).

And that right there, my friends, is what I know to be the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven.  I badly, desperately needed an indication that He was aware of me in this moment, and that I was either going in the right direction for my life or an idea of where else to go.

And it came.  In a rush of different responses, it came.

He loves me.  He is aware of me.  He is rooting for me.  He wants me to succeed.

And He's doing the same for you.

"In all the important decisions in our lives, what is most important is to do the right thing. Second, and only slightly behind the first, is to do the right thing at the right time. People who do the right thing at the wrong time can be frustrated and ineffective. They can even be confused about whether they made the right choice when what was wrong was not their choice but their timing." -Dallin H. Oaks (read it, watch it).

Happy weekend ya'll.

My plans?  Paint a bunk bed.
Finish Christmas shopping.
Date night with The Man, which may or may not include dinner and a movie, which may or may not be my favorite thing to do in the winter.

A Keeping It Real Post. Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence.

I found myself emailing with a friend that I haven't seen in a really long time.  And I found myself answering her inquiry of, "So how are you?  I see little updates on Facebook and Instagram, but how are things?"

Usually when someone asks, "How are you?" they don't really want to know, the question has become more of a standard greeting than an actual question with hopes of an honest answer, and as the standard greeting goes we all just answer with various replies of, "I'm doing well, how are you?"  And in turn we've just made it a greeting, we're not really asking.

Usually when someone asks me how I am I simply answer, "Wonderful."

But in this email I stopped and thought for a minute.  This was different since the question came at the end of the email, it had a bit more inquiry to it.

Obviously my friend really wanted to know how I am.

So I stopped typing and sat and thought.

And I tried to feel it out.

How am I?

And I wrote: "Life for me is good.  So good.  West is amazing.  It blows my mind every day the differences in my marriage with him and my marriage with (my ex).  It was a long road to finding West but I am so, so happy I did.  I'm working full time as a legal secretary.  I have six kids, half of which are teenagers *eek*, I've gone back to school (graduating SLCC in May and headed up to the U woohoo), and now West has "pushed" me into starting an online boutique.  Because, you know, I didn't have enough on my plate. Oh, and not to mention that I'm currently in the YW's presidency.  Having said all of that I kind of feel lost in it all.  I feel like I'm just being busy but don't really know what direction I want my life to go in, and I've been struggling with that for the past little bit.  I hope that as I progress with my schooling and get up to the U and into my bachelor's classes that something will open up for me career wise and I can feel like I've found my niche in life.  Unless my niche is crazy busy person who has a lot of irons in the fire, then by all means, I'm so there."

I feel like I drop a lot of balls lately and I'm not even sure why I'm doing any of it.  I don't have a solid direction in my life, though I do have thoughts of a couple that I would like to chase but I think what's holding me back and making me feel so confused are the thoughts that I'm not good enough to actually make that happen.  I'm afraid that for the rest of my life I will be that crazy person who pushes and pushes for dreams to happen when everyone around them is watching and asking, "When will she get it?  She's not even that good and really needs to think of something more realistic."

Maybe I'm wanting too much out of life and what I really need to be doing is just focusing on being grateful for what I do have.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for what I do have.  I just yearn for progression in my personal life.  I don't like feeling like I've become stagnant.

Why am I so afraid of going after things or making things happen?

And then I found this:



"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." (Heb 10:35-36)  

"Once there has been genuine illumination, beware of the temptation to retreat from a good thing.  When it was right when you prayed about it, and trusted it, and lived for it, it's right now.  Don't give up when the pressure mounts."

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"Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness.  He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself.  Face your doubts, master your fears, cast not away therefore your confidence.  Stay the course, and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

"Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times, and that you got it.  The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation.  The adversary does have power to hedge up the way, to marshal Pharaoh's forces, dog our escape right to the water's edge, but he can't produce the real thing.  He can not conquer if we will it otherwise."

"It is in the process of revelation, and making important decisions, fear almost always plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing, role.  To Oliver Cowdry, who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn't seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity, the Lord said, 'you did not continue as you commenced.'"

"Some days we'll be miraculously lead out of Egypt, seemingly free, seemingly on our way, only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us.  At those times we must resist the temptation to panic, and to give up.  At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us.  And Moses said to the people, 'fear ye not.  Stand still and see the revelation of the Lord.  The Lord shall fight for you.  In confirmation the great Jehovah said, 'Speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward.'"

"With the spirit of revelation dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet."

"Go forward and not backward."

"Along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. Please.  If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it."

"Therefore He said, let not your hearts faint.  Mine angels shall go before you, and also my presence, and in time ye shall posses the goodly land.  What goodly land?  Your goodly land.  Your promised land, your New Jerusalem, your own little acre flowing with milk and honey, your future, your dreams, your destiny.  I believe that in our own individual ways God takes us to the grove, or the mountain, or the temple, sometimes the privacy of our own bedroom or closet, and there shows us the wonder of what His plan is for us.  We may not see it as fully as Moses, or Nephi, or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord's will for us, and to know that He loves us beyond mortal comprehension." 

Food for thought for me this weekend.

I hope it's a good one for you.  It's a kidless one for us.  Which boldly translates to date weekend.  And loosely translates to a lot of math homework for me.

And a nap.

Because Now There Are Smiles.

I feel like my life has been a pretty amazing journey.

In high school the plan was a fairly simple one, though sadly, it didn't sit outside of the Utah Mormon box.

I would go to college and which college I went to was very important because it was the one were I would meet my husband.

I had no plans to actually graduate.  College was a source to find him, because at that point in my life I was certain that I would not be marrying anyone that I had grown up with.

There was no high school sweetheart for me to hold on to.

Well, there were several, but not one in particular.

I was going to marry a man who shared the same religious beliefs I did, we would have a family of perhaps six kids, and I would be a stay at home mom.

And that was my solid plan.  What could go wrong?

I pictured us happy and living the gospel together and seriously when I pictured it in my mind, it looked an awful lot like this:

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There you have it, right there in that picture, when I saw my future, this is the image that came to mind.

Except with more color.

But that isn't how it's gone, and as that life crumbled away I mourned it.  I fought it.  It was my identity and the entire image of who I was and it was gone.

I was gone.

Which is ironic in a sense because when I had it, I didn't really exist then either.

As the journey played out for me, I did go to college, and I did find a husband through college connections, and I did drop out and marry him.  We started our family right away and though I didn't make it to six kids, I did make it to four and I felt very certain that that was the extent of my having children.  I felt complete with that number and have never looked back with "baby hunger."

But as the journey also went, the picture wasn't actually like the one above.

And eight years is a long time to lose yourself at the actions of the one person that should be the one who loves more than anyone, and yet doesn't.

Eight years is too long to define yourself with the one thing that is sucking your individual worth away.

That picture above never really was.

When I finally walked away I was an empty shell with no direction because the one thing I had aimed for in life would never be.  And I didn't know where to go now.

I became a working, single mom.

And I threw myself into a lot of crazy avenues looking for validation and worth.

There was a pivotal moment where I sat in my new to me apartment and knew that I was at a crossroads.
No one from my church knew I was there and I had the perfect opportunity to slip through the cracks.

It was then that I knew I couldn't.

It was then that I found my ground again.  And I began to build up.

I met the most amazing man, and though we don't share the same religious beliefs, he is my perfect contrast, and my perfect compliment all wrapped up into one supportive and kind man.

I got a job where I began to excel and prove to myself that working, although a necessary evil, was something I could be good at.

I bought a house.

I bonded with my girls, despite having to struggle with using daycare, something I never wanted to do, it forced me to focus on them at home.

I built strong relationships with them at that point in our lives because they were all that I had.  And a lot because of the guilt I felt for needing daycare.  But the focus I put into the relationships with the four of them has resulted into strong relationships even now, six years later.

I got married to that supportive kind man.  The man who has shown me that I can still be an individual while being in a relationship.  And his two kids added to mine made a family with six kids.

And I some how landed a job with the Attorney General's Office.

I went back to school.

And I found me.

Before when my life did come close to resembling that picture above, the only difference was that there was no smiling.

Now, we're crazy and running around in all sorts of different directions... and I realize that in all of that, I've found what I was aiming for in my life.

Because now there are smiles.

And that's pretty good.

Cups.

Have you heard the radio version of "the cup song" from "Pitch Perfect" yet?

I'm so on this band wagon.


Even if it does sound like she says, "you're going to miss me by my taco" a few times.

Of Course You Are

Lately, it seems, that when I get on my knees for prayer, my soul pours out with pleadings that I can just "be enough."

I feel my shoulders carry so many responsibilities and I just need to be "enough."

I plead for it.  From the depth of my soul I yearn for it.

And instantly I'm filled to the core with warm peace and love.

He tells me, "of course you are."

My Inner Being Is At War With Itself

It's official.

My Navigator is a hypochondriac.

Lights were flashing for the engine, transmission, and air suspension.

Hopefully the electrical problem has been fixed, because I'm seriously sick of seeing that auto shop.

I'm finding myself in a bit of a mental struggle today.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details of it, because some things really don't need to be spread out for public scrutiny, I'm facing a situation where I need to either bail someone out, or take care of myself.

This isn't the first time.

I've always bailed them out at the sacrifice or expense of myself to some degree.  I have this need to take care of people, even at the expense of myself.  I can't help but put someone else's need before my own.

Usually it's no big deal.

I don't mind watching the TV show that The Man wants to watch even if I was looking forward to watching my own all day.  In the end it's just nice to be chilling on the couch with him so yes, babe, turn your show on.

You know, little things.

But with this individual, it's always big.

And it's always monetary.

And I always take the brunt end of it to help them out.

They called me last night.

They need help.

Will I?

And my first reaction, as always, with everyone, is of course.  Of course I have to help simply because you've asked.

But then my brain started turning and churning.

And I began to wonder at what point do I stop being responsible for this person not taking care of their own selves and getting themselves into situations?

Where is the line between being a good and decent person, and looking out for yourself?

My inner being is at war with itself today.

Dear Daughters: A Note About Mean Girls

I know that girls aren't always nice to each other.

In fact, I understand that girls can be down right cruel to each other.

I know it hurts.

I know you wonder what's wrong with you that she would treat you that way.

I know you struggle to understand her actions, her attitude towards you.

I've learned in my life.

I've been in your place.

But I've been in hers too.

And I've learned.

The things that she says,

the way that she acts,

it isn't actually about you.

That girl is hurting,

she's insecure,

she's unsure about herself,

she's unsure about life,

and she sees all the things that she feels she's missing, in you.

And that makes her jealous.

And that makes her lash out at you.

For whatever reason she feels she's missing something in her life,

and she sees you as having it all.

So in jealousy,

and maybe even spite,

she thinks that if she brings you down it will make her feel better.

Like she's conquered what she feels she's missing.

The sad thing about it all, is that while she's making you miserable,

she's making herself even more miserable too.

She's not going to find what she's looking for by treating you like this.

I want you to understand where she's coming from.

I want you to understand that her actions aren't a reflection of who you are.

I want you to know that if you just keep being the happy, sweet, beautiful girl that you are, people are going to see that.

The things she says and does aren't going to affect how people see you.

They're going to affect how people see her.

Stick with the people who love and accept you.

They won't pay one bit of attention to her.

I hope that you'll realize that her attitude is not a reflection of how she sees you, but a reflection of how she struggles with herself.

So don't talk badly about her, even if she's doing it about you.

But even as I say this to you, by all means, don't let her walk all over you.

If push comes to shove, please stand up for yourself.

Without calling her names.

You are good and kind.

And one day she will come to regret the way she treated you.

And when you feel that all of your patience and strength have been tested with her, and you can't stand it another day,

never underestimate the power of ice cream and a movie with you mom.

I'm always on your side baby girl.

Don't Just Think, Do. And Other Stuff.

Today I need to purge.

All the thoughts and stories that have been building up.

Some of it scares me to tell you what I've been feeling about myself.

Some of it is just the same old silly life with my circus stuff.

I'm going to tackle this in the order that I took the pictures.

I struggled with Casidee through elementary school.  She was unmotivated and just didn't care.  Unless it had to do with reading.  With reading she excelled.  She struggled with finding a solid group of friends and I think it was that issue that was affecting her.  I kept telling her to hang in there, it would be better in Middle School.  I told her that there would be new kids to meet and that she would find different friends, good friends.

I remember when I first entered Jr. High and faced a lunch with no friends.  I remember Nicole and Janae reaching out to me.  I found a solid group of friends in them and I have held them in my heart ever since.

Cas has found her group of friends.  She's happy (aside from the surly teenage attidtude that rears its ugly head now and then) and she's doing so well in her classes.

In fact...

That girl pulled straight A's, and I couldn't be more pleased or proud of her for the turn around she's made in school.

Last weekend I attended the funeral for Logan.  My sister actually wrote a spot on post about it here.  It was surprising to read her words and realize that she and I were on a similar journey.

With the death of my co-workers husband, and then the tragic loss of Logan I found myself sinking in a bit of confusion.

Usually death isn't too hard on me, I have a firm belief in the Plan of Happiness and I know that we will see our loved ones again.

I have no doubt of this.

I wasn't finding confusion in my beliefs of God or of an afterlife, but I was finding confusion in how I'm living my life.

When there is death there is recollection.

Of a life well lived.  Stories are told.  Memories are relived.  And though the pain of loss is present, though a keen sense of missing a huge part of your life clings to you, you find reasons to smile, reasons to be so thankful that they were in your life at all.

I listened to the stories and memories of these amazing men.

And I contemplated my own life.

I wanted my life to be remembered like theirs was.

And I didn't feel it would be.  The thought left me feeling empty.

I've been trying to pinpoint when it happened to me.  When I started guarding myself from people.  Keeping them at a safe emotional distance.  Family.  Friends.  Neighbors.  I only let them in "enough."

And for the time between finding out about Logan's death, and sitting at his funeral I let that realization of how I treat my relationships eat at me.

By the time I left his funeral I knew a change had to be made and it scared me to my core.  I've become so used to guarding myself emotionally.  I've become so good at keeping people at arms length.  I desperately wanted to change that but it felt so foreign a task, and so large a task, how do I even begin to repair and deepen relationships?

I hadn't intended on going to Logan's graveside, but when my brother asked me if I was going, and as I said "no," and looked at my brothers face, it began to eat at me.

Here was my first chance to do it differently.  I had every excuse in the world to get into my car and go home.  The Man was at home, with a torn up house.  I had homework.  I didn't want to take the monster truck (which I was driving because the Navi was broken) into the narrow roadways of a cemetery.

But my brother was there.  And there was a hint that he was disappointed that I wasn't going to be also.  So I turned that truck towards the cemetery instead of heading straight down the road to home.

And I stood by my brother at that graveside.

And as the balloons were released to heaven, with prayers and love to Logan, I knew this change would take work, but it was really just as simple as doing those things that I always thought about.

I thought, "I really should go to the graveside with Bill."

And so I did.

And it didn't stop there.

I thought, "I really should send a kind text to my family today."

And so I did.

I thought as I pulled up through a McDonald's drive-thru window, "what if I paid for the car behind me."

I don't know who they were, but it occurred to me that it didn't matter.  Plain and simple, I want to change who I am.

And so I did.

For the past three days every "I should" thought I've had, I've acted on.

Sometimes it's been really scary, and the good deed has left me shaking with adrenaline because it pulled me out of my comfort zone.  And sometimes I have no idea how it's affected the other person, whether I've known them or not, but always, always, I've felt it take its toll on me.  And always, I've felt that I've taken one step closer to being who I want to be.  And I've taken one step closer to strengthening my relationships.

I still have a long way to go.

The Navi has been broken so for the last week I had to drive either the monster truck or Granny Suzann's car.

A huge thank you to Suzann for letting us borrow her car.

It's a manual.  I forgot how fun it is to drive a manual.  Except in heels.  That's not so much fun.

And when you drive Granny Suzann's car you push buttons on her radio, only to get her CD player stuck on repeat.

On the song, "Another One Bites The Dust."

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another gone, another one gone
Another one bites the dust

Over.  And over.

Also, when you drive Granny Suzann's car, you get to have this on the antenna:

Sometimes we like to try different, "exotic" fruits at our house.

The Man saw a plantain and decided we needed to try it out.

I told him I was pretty sure you needed to fry them.

He googled and found that I was probably right.

But he decided to try it raw anyway.

Some of the kids joined in.

The peels smelt like a banana, but the inside smelt like a cucumber.

It didn't go over well.

Is it appropriate to say, "I told you so?"

Our youth group at church got together last night and made gingerbread houses for our church Christmas breakfast.

This one looks like Sponge Bob:

These beauties will be the table center pieces.

It's starting to feel a bit like Christmas.

Although Cas did tell me that we're probably the only ones who don't have our tree up yet.

Sheesh, our house is under construction, give a mom a break will ya?

It's not even December yet, I have time.

Today is day four of  "don't just think, do."

Do you want to join me?