Divorce. How I recovered.

Over the last six months I've had a couple of people in my life face divorce.  And over the last six months those various people in my life have asked me questions.

How did you deal with the feelings?
How did you get to feel better?

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And as I've heard the questions I've also had the memories of that time in life surface.

That's what this post is about.

I'm no professional, I have no authority to say these things.  All I can do is tell you what I learned for myself from my own experience.

The first thing I want to tell someone who is going through (or has just gone through) a divorce is that it's okay to hurt.  It's okay to feel pain.  It's okay to feel.

You have every right to go through the mountainous range of feelings that you're going through.

It's okay.

The next thing I want to say is give yourself a break.  Have patience with yourself.

It's going to take time.

And again, that's okay.

If you've known me for a long time you may remember the post where I talked about visiting with a therapist right after my divorce and the advice he gave (here). It's good advice.  He is a professional.  He does have authority to say these things.

Basically what he said (and I'm going to embellish a little) is that you are marketable. You are beautiful, smart, and have a great personality.  You're not going to be feeling rejected for long.  People are going to notice you.

I found that in the end of my marriage and in the beginning of my life as a divorcee, I truly hit bottom.  I did things I said I'd never do.  I lost sight of the things I knew to be true and goals I had for myself and life spiritually.

I struggled with myself.

That compounded the feelings I was dealing with concerning my divorce.  Not only did I hold great amounts of guilt for getting myself into a place where divorce happened, but I had also gotten myself into a place where I didn't like myself any more.  And I knew I wasn't living the way I wanted to be.

Another thing that therapist told me (this is also in that post) was to write it all out.  All the things I wanted to say to my ex but couldn't (or shouldn't), all the bitterness and anger that I was feeling, just write it all out.  And then burn it.  Literally.  Take a match or lighter and set that puppy up in flames.  And watch the feelings go up in flames with it.

Strangely, it worked.

I found after doing this that it was a lot easier to just let it all go.  When thoughts or feelings started creeping in, I could just breathe and push it aside.  It didn't have place in me anymore.

I would suggest finding a physical hobby as well.

Running really does work emotions out.  And it replaces them with happy endorphins.  And the muscles are an added bonus.

There came a point in my life where I stood in my apartment, all by myself, and knew that no one from church knew I was there.

I hadn't left a forwarding address with my previous bishop.  I hadn't met anyone in the ward I had landed in.

And at that moment I knew I could fall through the cracks and disappear from activity in the church.

And in that moment I knew I never would.

The process of repentance frightened me.

But when I took that first step, I found that I was surround by nothing but absolute love and support.

What I've found in my life is that I have never been so happy and content with myself and my life as I am when I'm living the gospel.

What I found is that even though I'm ashamed of where I let my personal life go, that journey gave me a depth of understanding that I could have never found otherwise.  Understanding of my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, understanding of the gospel, and understanding of those who are hurting around me.

Empathy is amazing.

Not that I suggest you purposely go out and find it that way, but honestly, if you find yourself there... the depth of love and understanding after getting your life back in order is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

So when people I love turn to me in a time of pain, I hurt for them.

I remember.

I know.

But what I want them to know is that they're normal.  And they're going to be okay.  And life has good things in store for them.

D&C 45:62 says, "For verily I say unto you, that great things await you."

Believe that.