epiphany

I've made a break through with my life, or at least with the way I view it.

And I'm so pleased with it.  It's making all the difference in the world, and I'm so excited with where I am.  Which, as of last week, or for that matter, yesterday, I wasn't.

Ever since my divorce
(talk about a milestone in life.  Seriously.  People say things like  when I
graduated
got married
had a baby
went to college
joined the Army
moved to a new state
got the new job
those are all fun changes.  Mine, right now, tends to be when I got divorced.  How grateful I am for that divorce and all that it did for my life.  So much goodness came from that divorce.  Isn't it sad?  But then again, I guess that's a good indicator that it really needed to happen.  And it led me to my other milestone, when I married West...
I digress.  Where was I?)
Ever since my divorce I've been acutely aware of my lack of post high school education. 

I know, right?

The girl with the 3.9 GPA who was a member of the National Honor's Society, was involved in clubs and activities up to her eyeballs, and took AP classes doesn't have post high school education?

It's true.

I did go to college.  I did some time at the community college where I met some pretty awesome people and figured out that maybe graphic design wasn't really were my heart was.  So then I did some time at the University of Utah which was amazing. 

I'm so in love with that campus.  It makes my heart *sigh*.

But I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up.  And it really didn't seem feasible that dreams could actually come true with some hard studying and elbow grease per se.  So I didn't finish.  I got married and I had a family.  I was a stay at home mom and grew a depth to myself that was never there before. 

I learned lessons that they can't teach you in school. 

I felt, though, that I'd missed my chance at a degree and a career.  I even tried to go back after my divorce.  And I failed miserably.  It was so disheartening in every way and I, more than ever, thought I had missed that chance. 

I see amazing women around me who actually finished their degree and embarked on careers before having a family.  And I watch now as they have those babies later in life and they're so happy.  They've had the best of both worlds.  Then was the time for them to become educated and develop in those ways.  Now is the time for them to have a family.

I've been frustrated in the working world that I have limits on me because of my missing degree.  And as I try to find ways to help take care of my family financially I feel that heavy sense that I am lacking.  I've talked about it with The Man.  I've talked about it with my boss.  But in my heart I feel that, as ever, I missed my chance.  The responsibility of my family is just so much that, as I proved to myself a couple of years ago, adding school to it leaves me pulled in too many directions.

I applied, and was accepted at the community college for this coming fall semester.  And it's been heavy on my mind, can I do this?  My kids are older now and I think it will make a huge difference.  I have promises and potential of bigger and better career options in the department that I'm already working in so there seems to be a purpose for me in it.  I feel ready.

And my husband, oh that wonderful man that he is, told me, "I think it's a great idea.  You're a smart cookie, I think you'll do great."

This morning I had an epiphany. 
I had just pulled into the parking lot at work, listening to my favorite song of the moment, Nickelback's Lullaby, and I parked.  I was thinking of the meeting I had to attend this morning and the fact that I needed to go take the accuplacer so I can register for a class or two and get the ball rolling... when it hit me, out of the blue:

I didn't miss my chance.  I've just done it in a different order. 

I have my family.  I took the time in my life to be there with my babies, loving, nurturing, raising them.  I did that.  I'm still doing it, but guess what?  They're getting older and they don't need me as much.  They still need me, and I still get to be their mom (forever and always) but life is changing. 

Now is the time to think about school.  And a career.    I didn't miss it.  I just did it in a different order than others.  And I know I'm not alone in this.  Why did this not occur to me before?  I have very cute friends and family who did school and career and are now taking a break from all of that to start families.  I have my family.  They're growing and starting to spread their little wings a little bit more.  This allows a little more time for me to start the next phase of my life, school and career.

And it's all okay.  We all get to do it differently.  I've lived a very full life as far as having a family is concerned, and I look forward to having them with me as I progress to the next "stage" of my life.  It doesn't replace them, it just adds an element to me.  I'm ready for it. Hopefully it's ready for me :).

This change in the way I think about my life has been so liberating.  I felt guilt before.  Guilt that I never finished college.  Guilt that it would be a huge sacrifice for my family if I tried to do it now.  I don't feel that anymore.
If my children are old enough to cook themselves dinner (which they can), then surely they're old enough to understand what it is I'm trying to do.  And that even though it's for me, it's so much for them as well.

It's not too late to show them, and myself, that yes, those dreams in life can happen with some effort.  And that you really can have it all without cheating yourself out on the experiences of any of it.