I'm going to be completely honest with myself, about myself, because really, that's not something that I'm good at doing.
For some reason I have this need to please everyone, and not let anyone down. I have to have it all together and be on top of it all and just be simply amazing in my life. Because if I'm not, I'm certainly letting someone down. Someone, somewhere, is going to look at me and judge me incapable in some capacity and I just can't stand to think that might be thought of me.
Well guess what, and of course, I say this to myself and only to myself, I am not capable in pretty much every capacity.
I can't keep the house spotless, and the kids looking like cute little baby gap models.
I can't cook wonderful homemade meals every night and sit and do homework with three girls while entertaining the fourth.
I can't make it to the gym every night and keep my car clean inside and out.
I can't show up to work an hour early and skip lunch.
I can't follow a budget and keep up with the laundry.
And if someone looks at me and judges me incapable, then I'm okay with telling them they're absolutely right. But until they have tried being a single mom with four children under the age of eight, working 40+ hours a week, and living all on their own with no support or help whatsoever, I say they don't know how remarkable it is that I'm doing as well as I am.
It's been one year since I packed those trailer loads with half the household furniture and took my four beautiful girls and climbed into a truck with my dad and left my "eternal companion".
One year ago.
I had been the "Stepford Wife". I kept in shape and got up every morning and got ready from head to toe, even when I wasn't going anywhere. I made all the meals, cleaned the house, took care of the car and yard, payed all the bills, handled all insurance matters, was PTA President Elect and Community Council Secretary, and I was in the Relief Society Presidency.
Let's not forget the four girls.
And I was completely battered to an empty shell.
My family marveled at my perfect marriage and life; I was sinking and lost in darkness.
Finally, one year ago, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I walked away from the only thing I had ever wanted to do.
And now... ha ha. Wow. Go back and read the first paragraph again.
BUT!
I am alive!
I remember how to laugh.
I can look in the mirror and really believe that I'm someone worth knowing.
I do work 40+ hours a week. I cook (I know every shortcut in the book now) and I clean (not well and not everyday, but it's still a presentable house most days). My children may not always look like they belong in a baby Gap commercial, but they are clean and clothed and smiling. I still struggle with homework, but somehow we manage to get it all done.
Room for improvement?
Sure thing.
Am I up to it?
Sure thing.
After one year I can say with out doubt or hesitation that I did the right thing for my life, and for my girls' life. And I have found ME again.
Even though I will still continue to put up the front that I can do all things, at least I can admit to myself that some nights I'm just overwhelmed and leaving everything unfinished and undone, and crawling into bed and turning the lights out on all of it for another day.
But even with that, I'm in so much the better place in life than I have been for a very long time.
One year ago.
I had been the "Stepford Wife". I kept in shape and got up every morning and got ready from head to toe, even when I wasn't going anywhere. I made all the meals, cleaned the house, took care of the car and yard, payed all the bills, handled all insurance matters, was PTA President Elect and Community Council Secretary, and I was in the Relief Society Presidency.
Let's not forget the four girls.
And I was completely battered to an empty shell.
My family marveled at my perfect marriage and life; I was sinking and lost in darkness.
Finally, one year ago, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I walked away from the only thing I had ever wanted to do.
And now... ha ha. Wow. Go back and read the first paragraph again.
BUT!
I am alive!
I remember how to laugh.
I can look in the mirror and really believe that I'm someone worth knowing.
I do work 40+ hours a week. I cook (I know every shortcut in the book now) and I clean (not well and not everyday, but it's still a presentable house most days). My children may not always look like they belong in a baby Gap commercial, but they are clean and clothed and smiling. I still struggle with homework, but somehow we manage to get it all done.
Room for improvement?
Sure thing.
Am I up to it?
Sure thing.
After one year I can say with out doubt or hesitation that I did the right thing for my life, and for my girls' life. And I have found ME again.
Even though I will still continue to put up the front that I can do all things, at least I can admit to myself that some nights I'm just overwhelmed and leaving everything unfinished and undone, and crawling into bed and turning the lights out on all of it for another day.
But even with that, I'm in so much the better place in life than I have been for a very long time.
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