Daily Grind.

This was the first post ever written on this blog.  I wanted to keep track of my life, the details of it, and so that's what I first wrote about it: the daily grind.

This post was originally written and posted on April 10, 2008.

Divorced... with kids.

Someone should make a TV series out of it.

Seriously.

I'll admit switching gears from stay at home mom to working mom hasn't been easy. I'm still trying to get the hang of it. The routines are different and there is so little time to spare.

I'm up at 5:00 a.m., the girls are up at 6:30, and we're out of the house by 7:30.

Off to daycare where thankfully they eat breakfast because if I had to add just one more thing in the morning we'd never make it out of the house on time.

I say I wake up at 5:00, but realistically I'm rolling out of bed an hour later at 6:00.

Mornings are not my friend.

Some how, miraculously, all five of us are ready to go in an hour and half.

(Maybe I won't mention that sometimes this means compromise to avoid arguments, like Cali (3 years old) wearing her dance out fit and snow boots to daycare).

I can usually drop the girls off at 7:45 and make it in to work aby 7:55-ish, where I get to answer the phone (Thank you for calling Burt Brothers, this is Stephanie...) and scan my life away... one paper at a time.

I only have seven overflowing inboxes...

Lunch time is errands. If it weren't for that one sacred hour of the day I would get nothing done. I squeeze as many little errands into that one hour as I possibly can. This includes grocery shopping.

I start the count down for 5:00 at about 2:30, when finally I can hit the gym (more daycare for the kids, but they like all the friends they're making). The gym is the one thing in my life that I do for completely selfish reasons.

I do it for me.

Of course, this means dinner at 7:00, and somehow we squeeze in homework, baths, and story time to make it to bed by 8:00.

Not me, the girls.

After the girls are in bed, I get to do laundry and dishes and any other miscellaneous cleaning jobs like mopping and picking up stray toys.

Maybe I'll make it to bed by 11:00...

I Am A Child Of God.

This was originally written and posted on October 14, 2011.

One of my most dear memories, and yet most heart wrenching memories, of Cali came to the font of my mind just now.

She was only three.

She was so small. And her tiny three year old voice...

Man I love my children.

But I feel such regret that I didn't know how precious they were at that young age, until they weren't that young age anymore. I feel such heartache over it. I feel like I've been such a terrible mom.
But I'm trying to learn from that, and curb the cycle. When I start getting frustrated, or annoyed, or overwhelmed, I stand back and think of how they looked, smelt, and sounded when they were about 18 months old, or two. And I take in the feeling that I have that I didn't appreciate them as much as I needed to at that age, and I hold on to that regret.

I look at my sassy 11 year old, and picture her at two. And knowing that I don't want anymore regret about the kind of mother that I'm not, I let that aching feeling into my heart, and it helps me bring to surface how much this child means to me in the heat of a tough moment. And I'm better able to react with love (which doesn't rule out disciplining if it's needed, it just means that my discipline is coming from a much better place than simply angry reaction), and to keep a dearness of them in the moment.

One of the moments I think of is when we were at Starvation Reservoir as a family with West and his kids. West and I were still dating. I was struggling with my activity in church. My divorce had knocked the wind out of me, and my bishop at the time of my divorce had knocked the last leg I was standing on, out from under me. I know I have a Savior. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. But struggle I was.

I was sitting in the bow of the speed boat.  We were driving fast and the wind was whipping through our hair. Cali was sitting across from me. In all of her innocent three year oldness.

And I heard it.

Blowing to me on the wind.

Her tender, small voice softly singing, "I am a child of God, and He has sent me hear, has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday."

I choked up with tears.

As she finished her song, completely unaware that I had even heard it, I pulled her into my arms and knew that I needed to teach her with all the love and understanding that I possessed.

I was thinking of that moment this morning. And though I was still hit with it like a sledgehammer, I found it was more tender than achy. Which I'll take as a sign that my efforts to curb my cycle with my children may be working. I'm loving and appreciating them now. All though I'm far from being the mother I think I should be, I have come a long way with them. And I will forever be grateful for the chaos they create in my life. They are my life. They are my biggest support group and my own personal fan club. And I am that for them. I love them with all that I am. And I hope I can show them that as I try my best to prepare them for life.

Confession: I am a lister

Confession: I am a lister.

I can't function without them.

Right now I'm working off of three lists.  And if I'm going to be perfectly honest I guess I'll have to admit that I just started a fourth about an hour ago.

Lists purge my brain.  They organize me.  They help me remember the small details that will matter and the random items.

I can sleep at night because I know it's all safe on my list and I don't have to worry about forgetting any of it or keeping it all straight. 

Perhaps this plays into my slight OCD nature?  Or maybe it's just because I have 6 kids and a very full life? 

I even have a list that started at Thanksgiving that listed all the events I needed to plan for.  It keeps me from forgetting anything now that we're in the middle of birthday season.
Thanksgiving (hosted at my house)
West's birthday
Christmas (all three stages of it)
Jayme's birthday
New Year's
Anniversary
Cali's birthday
Valentine's day
Florida trip
Casidee's birthday
Easter
Tayler's birthday
Family Reunion

Now that I know that the trip to Florida for my brother's wedding and Casidee's birthday are all on lists and under control, I started a list for Easter. 

It's not that I'm an over achiever, it's just that it takes me this long to feel I have a grasp on the next situation in line.  I list and re-list until I'm satisfied with the details and the "to do" and the "to buy" parts.  When it gets closer I start assigning days to get the tasks done.  Then I know it will all happen without running out of time. 

Sometimes I make lists on a spreadsheet on the computer and print them out, but I usually only do this when it involves the circus packing for a trip.  I make the packing list, add the names, and then they can color in the box under their name when they've packed that item.  It works so well.  It also helps me to see what laundry needs to be done so they can finish packing :).  I love taking the guess work out of life.

I guess perhaps the next perfect stranger who says to me, "you sure do have your hands full! How ever do you do it?"  I could just simply answer,
"I make a list."