I Am A Child Of God.

This was originally written and posted on October 14, 2011.

One of my most dear memories, and yet most heart wrenching memories, of Cali came to the font of my mind just now.

She was only three.

She was so small. And her tiny three year old voice...

Man I love my children.

But I feel such regret that I didn't know how precious they were at that young age, until they weren't that young age anymore. I feel such heartache over it. I feel like I've been such a terrible mom.
But I'm trying to learn from that, and curb the cycle. When I start getting frustrated, or annoyed, or overwhelmed, I stand back and think of how they looked, smelt, and sounded when they were about 18 months old, or two. And I take in the feeling that I have that I didn't appreciate them as much as I needed to at that age, and I hold on to that regret.

I look at my sassy 11 year old, and picture her at two. And knowing that I don't want anymore regret about the kind of mother that I'm not, I let that aching feeling into my heart, and it helps me bring to surface how much this child means to me in the heat of a tough moment. And I'm better able to react with love (which doesn't rule out disciplining if it's needed, it just means that my discipline is coming from a much better place than simply angry reaction), and to keep a dearness of them in the moment.

One of the moments I think of is when we were at Starvation Reservoir as a family with West and his kids. West and I were still dating. I was struggling with my activity in church. My divorce had knocked the wind out of me, and my bishop at the time of my divorce had knocked the last leg I was standing on, out from under me. I know I have a Savior. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. But struggle I was.

I was sitting in the bow of the speed boat.  We were driving fast and the wind was whipping through our hair. Cali was sitting across from me. In all of her innocent three year oldness.

And I heard it.

Blowing to me on the wind.

Her tender, small voice softly singing, "I am a child of God, and He has sent me hear, has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday."

I choked up with tears.

As she finished her song, completely unaware that I had even heard it, I pulled her into my arms and knew that I needed to teach her with all the love and understanding that I possessed.

I was thinking of that moment this morning. And though I was still hit with it like a sledgehammer, I found it was more tender than achy. Which I'll take as a sign that my efforts to curb my cycle with my children may be working. I'm loving and appreciating them now. All though I'm far from being the mother I think I should be, I have come a long way with them. And I will forever be grateful for the chaos they create in my life. They are my life. They are my biggest support group and my own personal fan club. And I am that for them. I love them with all that I am. And I hope I can show them that as I try my best to prepare them for life.

Today I Am Strong.

This post was originally written on September 23, 2011.

"Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's all right
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around.....

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same.
oh, oh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You are perfect to me

The world's scared while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold coke
So cool in lying and we try, try, try
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less then, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing you are perfect, to me"

-Perfect by P!nk

It's been awhile since I've reflected on the biggest, and absolutely the hardest, decision I've ever made. (here)

That changed my life forever.

 It's been... excuse me while I think about this for a second... it's been 4  years (7 years at the time of this reposting) since my divorce. And I love that I had to sit back and think about how long it's been. It isn't ruling my life.

What it boils down to is I didn't use put a lot of weight on the subject of emotional abuse. I would listen, I would hear, I thought I had sympathy. But until I went through 8 years of it, I didn't know what sympathy towards it was.

 I now have not only sympathy, but empathy.

Always being sneered at for the things you do and say.

 Never being able to laugh at yourself because you're too busy trying to hide how stupid you are from him.  Because he sure isn't going to laugh with you.

 Never doing it right.

 Not being tan enough, or blond enough, or wearing the right things. And when you try to change your looks to fix what he says isn't enough, you still don't get it right somehow.

I'm not listening for his truck in the driveway, wondering if he'll ever come home anymore. And dreading when he finally did.  Living in judgment, criticism, neglect, and heavy silence.

I think this is why I get so torn up over people judging others. How dare we tear someone down? Who do we think we are to do that to someone else? To take away their very thread of worth.

I left crawling, nothing, empty, black, blank, and heavy. And unless you've been there, you can never know how very dark that is.

But today, today I stand. I run. I am strong (I am woman hear me roar?). Today I know I am beautiful inside and out. I have my faults. But I work on them and it's okay.

I can laugh at myself and I feel so healthy.

 I can love.

 I am loved.

 And I can do anything I put my mind to.

Today I am able to teach my circus to do the same.