This I Know: The Atonement

Yesterday I had the privileged of teaching the Young Women, which I love and somewhat miss.  Since becoming part of the presidency my formal teaching moments aren't as  regular as when I was an adviser.

I'll take it.

I felt a bit... inadequate, as the topic was on the atonement.

First, and foremost, I have a testimony that my Savior lived, suffered in Gethsemane, died on the cross, and was risen again.

All for me.

I know it to my core.

I know in that great council when we realized that we wouldn't be able to do this journey on our own, because some lessons are so hard to learn... so hard to learn... that when our Savior stood forward and covenanted to take on that role for us, that we cheered.  We cheered because we would get to learn all that the Father knew (and I'm pretty certain that He is the coolest person we will ever know, so why wouldn't we cheer to learn all that He had to teach us?), and we cheered because we knew that we would not be taking the journey alone.

We often teach the Plan of Salvation in a line of a series circles.  A physical journey from the first circle at the beginning, to one of the three at the end of the line.  I think the Plan of Salvation is more of a circle: a spiritual journey from our Father, to where we learn all that we can and prepare to be like Him, until we finally do return to Him; not having changed our physical location, but more our spiritual understanding and being.



I think when the Father said that there would be need of a Savior, we all sat in a heavy silence for a second.  Quite similar to the silence that greets you when you ask a room of teenagers for a volunteer for a prayer.  I imagine myself knowing that there was no way I could even do this for myself, how would I ever be able to do it for everyone else as well?

I know I cheered when He stepped forward and took it.  And he didn't fail me. Never did he falter, though, in his mortality he did seek a different way, if at all possible, but he never faltered and he gave all.

To the very end when in a simple prayer he stated, "Father, into the hands I commend my spirit."  I gave it all.  He did not fail us.

Me.

He did not fail me.

This I know.

I Am Brave And Beautiful.

Megan from Brassy Apple started her blog post yesterday by saying, "I am Brave and Beautiful – a beauty movement that is sweeping the globe. Colbie Caillat started it with her recent song and video called TRY. And I wanted to push this movement along and invited women from all over to join me and share what they looked like without make up on!! I’ve been hinting about it on social media as my “secret project”. It’s not a secret anymore! Colbie’s song says, 'Take your make up off. Let your hair down… Look into the mirror at yourself, Do you like you? Cause I like you… '"

This hit a raw spot for me.

Take a minute to read her post, if you haven't already.

I have struggled with my self-esteem for my entire life.  I can't even really tell you were it stemmed from.  Some moment or collection of moments long forgotten. 

I fought intense shyness caused by the lack of confidence I had in myself.  I tried to hide it through out High School and College.  I joined clubs and played sports and even ran for student body office (and ultimately won).  But I battled with my image in the mirror every morning.  Every date invite shocked me. Every boyfriend eventually friend-zoned because honestly, it couldn't be more.  Why would they want to?

A marriage to a man who was supposed to love me more than anyone else, but tore me apart instead.  My hair wasn't right.  My clothes weren't right.  I wasn't tan enough.  My boobs weren't big enough.  I did everything wrong.  I did everything at the wrong time.  I was boring to talk to.  I was boring to hang out with.  He didn't want to come home to be with me.

I just wasn't right.

After my divorce I tanned up and toned up with a personal trainer.  I visited a hairstylist regularly.  I removed hair with lasers that wasn't even visible, but surely it's what I needed to do.  I was desperate to be that beautiful woman that any man would want.  I needed to be the full package.

I wish I could go back and tell myself a few things.  Save myself some heartache and depression.  And painful laser treatments.

I see teenage girls, and even adult women doing to same things I did.  Primping on the outward appearance to gain what they hope will be a meaningful connection with someone.  In hopes that someone will validate their worth for them.

And I want to tell them.

It doesn't matter what anyone else says or does.  The battle that is being fought is in your own head, in your own heart, and you need to give yourself a break.

This life is hard.  It's full of challenges and heartaches and headaches and every other ache imaginable all on it's own.  Why do we compound it by tearing ourselves apart flaw by flaw?

I want you to write this statement on every mirror you own:

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I'm not even joking.  Do it.

Remind yourself of what you need to be thinking about yourself.

I used makeup as a safety blanket.  I believe absolutely that you should get up in the morning and get fully ready for the day.  Even if you have nowhere to go and no one to see.  For me this consists of showering and shaving, doing my hair and makeup, and wearing real clothes.  Not yoga pants.  Not sweats.  If I'm working, obviously I'm putting on nicer clothes, but even when I'm not, I'm wearing good jeans and some sort of necklace with that t-shirt and those flip flops. 

When I had Lasik done a few months ago I had to go without makeup for a week and a half after the procedure was done.

I have not gone a day without makeup for... I can't even tell you.  Probably Jr. High.

And there I was facing a week and a half of it.

I had to go to work with a bare face.  I had to go to church with a bare face.  I had to face my husband with a bare face.

I would do my hair and put on my best clothes and remember the words of my Grandma Martin, "if you're smiling no one will notice anything else about you."

So I smiled, even while I was dying inside, knowing as I walked into my office, or through the church doors, that people would be shocked by how washed out and pale I looked without makeup.  

And then I heard it.

"Wow, I don't know what it is, but you look so pretty today."

"You have such pretty eyes."

"Your skin is perfect."

And I blushed.  Shocked.  Surprised.  Taken totally off guard.  And I would confess to not being allowed to wear makeup and found myself even apologizing for not having it on.  And they would look at me confused and say, "oh, I didn't even notice you weren't wearing any."

To all of you who hide behind the makeup and the clothes.  Who cling to the imaginary expectations of society of what a beautiful woman should look like.  You.  Are. Wrong.

Give yourself the credit you deserve.

You are beautiful!  You are brave!

And so am I.

With that I join Megan's campaign and post my picture of myself with no makeup. And no filter.

This last weekend The Man and I took The Circus to Moab for camping, hiking, and riding.  We woke up at 4:30 Thursday morning, jumped in the car and headed off for an adventure.  I hadn't washed my face and still had my makeup on from work the day before.

Always.

But Thursday night, after a hot day of hiking, I sat down with my makeup remover and wiped my face clean.

And it stayed that way for the next three days.

And I was okay with it.

I was good.

Even while shopping and eating out for dinner one night.

Because The Man doesn't love me for my mascara.  And my kids don't love me for my eyeliner.  And I'm no longer defined by my mask of foundation.

I am beautiful.  Just as I am.

I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to realize that about yourself.

Join the movement.  Post your pictures sans makeup on your social media and tag it #IAmBraveAndBeautiful and #ColbieTry

And show the world what the definition of beauty really is.

Just As James Promised.

When Christ was on the earth He did a lot of things we should be taking note of.  In truth, His life is the very example we should be patterning our own after in every way.  One of the things He did was set up His church, complete with the priesthood and a quorum of apostles and the whole she-bang.

When Christ left the earth, He left the church established in His apostles.  But the world wasn't quite ready for what they had to say.  One by one they were killed off form the earth, taking the priesthood authority with them.

But the Old Testament was still around, and the writings and teachings of Peter and Paul and all the other apostles where still circulating and eventually they were compiled into what we now know as the Holy Bible.  And men interpreted it the best they could, and some just flat out changed the meanings to fit how they wanted it to.

Different churches arose for various reasons but the priesthood and the truths of the gospel were lost and muddied.

Enter Joseph Smith Jr.

As a 14 year old boy, listening to the great preachings of so many churches and wondering at them as so many do, even today, he felt directionless and confused and was asking questions but not finding any real answers.  Or, perhaps, finding answers but how can every church be true, as they claim, when they're all different?

One night as he was looking in the Bible he found the verse, James 1:5, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

He did just that saying, "At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to 'ask of God,' concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture." (JSH 1:13)

One day he ventured out into the woods to find a solitary place.  "After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

"But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

 "It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!" (JSH 1:15-17)

Christ created the world, under the direction of His Father.  And under the direction of our Father in Heaven, he created all things that are on the earth.  (Moses 2:1).  No unclean thing can be in the presence of God the Father.  It's through His son, Jesus Christ, that we can become clean again.  In, or through, Christ's name we pray to the Father.  And through Christ we receive direction and blessings. Christ is our intermediary.

He is our Savior.  Through Christ we can return to our Father in Heaven.  He made this possible for us.  And in return for that, He simply asks that we live His gospel. "...He has appointed the law of the gospel as the medium which must be complied with in this world or the next, as He complied with His Father's law... Hence being the mediator between God and man, He becomes by right the dictator and director on earth and in heaven for the living and for the dead, for the past, the present, and the future..." (John Taylor, Mediation and Atonement, p. 171).

Joseph Smith Jr. received a clear answer that day.  None of the churches were the true church of Christ.  But through Joseph Smith Jr., the true church was again established on this earth.  Like the apostles of old Joseph Smith learned a lot of things from Christ in a very short amount of time.  And like the apostles of old, he eventually gave his life as a sealing testimony.

In Jeffrey R. Holland's book, Broken Things To Mend, he gives a talk where he speaks of all the dispensations of time, and through all the efforts by righteous prophets to establish the gospel on the earth, it never fully took.  Prophets were killed.  Teachings were rejected.  Apostasy ensued.

Until today.

Elder Holland points out that in all of those times, those prophets who taught with their lives weren't doing it for their time.  They weren't doing it for their people at that moment.

They were doing it for us.  They were doing it for our time.  Our time, the last dispensation when the fullness of the gospel would be restored and not only stick, but spread throughout the entire world. We are the fruits of their labor.  We are who they have taught.

I hope that we can take to heart the words of President Uchtdorf, "please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." (here)  If there are questions or things that don't make sense, it's simply that we need to do as Joseph Smith did.  Study.  Pray.  I have learned in my life that when I don't understand something, the problem has been with me, and I've simply needed to learn more about it.  Always, the answers, the wisdom, comes.  Just as James promised it would.

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You Can Be Bitter. Or You Can Be Better.

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Sometimes it starts with something small.

I've been reading Jeffrey R. Holland's book, Broken Things To Mend (here, affiliate link).  It's a compilation of some of his talks.  I read in his talk, "The Tongue of Angels" (here) that in the book of James it tells us of a way to be "a perfect man (or woman)."  "Said James: 'For in many things we offend all.  [But] if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.'" (James 3:2)

Last night I read in another chapter, an address Elder Holland gave at a National Day of Prayer Service in the Provo Tabernacle, about when Christ is teaching the Sermon on the Mount and he concludes with, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48)  Elder Holland then goes on to point out that right before that verse, Christ tells how.  "If this comes as the grand finale, the great summation in a chapter that began with the sweet and simple Beatitudes, what immediately precedes perfection?  Or better yet, what preparatory virtues point us toward perfection and this full majesty of God?  I quote the verses immediately prior to the grand declaration of perfection: 'Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.  But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.  For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?  do not even the publicans the same?  And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others?  do not even the publicans so?' (Mathew 5: 43-47)  I confess that I do not know how we meet the Savior's injunction to be perfect, but I am guessing we will be a lot closer to that goal if we can love our enemies, bless them that curse us, and pray for them that despitefully use us."

It's love. 

All you need is love.  *cue in Beattles song here*...

This morning I ran across this video from Alex Boye, Lemonade.

"I'm just so broke you won't believe
Can't get a dollar out of me
And as far as I can see
I'm losing control like a bad disease
No I just can't get relief
I've been shot down by the life police,
And everyday I try to rise
But I can't succeed
Can anybody find a cure for me?
You can be bitter, bitter, bitter
Or you can be better, better, better

When life gives you lemons
Instead of champagne
Don't worry little children
And don't complain
Remember you're golden
So find some sugar cane
When life gives you lemons
Make lemonade

Now everyday is like a brand new year,
I throw my hands up in the air
Like I just don't care,
I'm moon walking down the streets
Feeling like oh yeah (oh yeah!)
like the bottom of the glass now I see clear
So now I laugh just a little more
I stand taller than I did before
I know I'm not where I need to be
But I thank God that I'm not
where I used to be,
I used to be bitter, bitter bitter
And now I feel better, better, better

When life gives you lemons
Instead of champagne
Don't worry little children
And don't complain
Remember you're golden
So find some sugar cane
When life gives you lemons
Make lemonade

I was saved for a reason
That I can't explain
Got something new to believe in
I'm awakened again
So many miracles are
Happening each day
If I can just get out of
My own way"

These three things may not sync as the same topic at first glance, but it took me on a journey.

If my goal is perfection, which I'm well aware I will never achieve in this lifetime, then shouldn't I be watching the words that I say?  Elder Holland points out (here) with James 3:10, "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not so to be."  Elder Holland expounds, "The voice that bears profound testimony, utters fervent prayer, and sings the hymns of Zion can be the same voice that berates and criticizes, embarrasses and demeans, inflicts pain and destroys the spirit of oneself and of others in the process.  'Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing,' James grieves, 'These things out not so to be.'"  Add that to the words of James 3:2, "...if any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man..." and you have something to think about.

From there, I began to realize if I'm concentrating on what I'm speaking, it forces my concentration on what I'm thinking.  If I don't want to say it, I'm finding I'm trying to curb even thinking it.  And if I'm curbing even the thought, it's changing my attitude and feelings to be softer.

Don't get me wrong, this has been a hard thing to practice and I'm nowhere near were I should be with it, but in practicing no negative thing, I'm finding this is forcing me to more fully contemplate the second point that hit me from Elder Holland; Christ's teaching of love and prayer for your "enemy."

Not that I feel I have enemies, per se, but I do have individuals in my life that I struggle with.  And individuals who seem set out to specifically make my life harder, for whatever reason.

And now I'm trying not to express anything negative about them.  Which is leading me to curb my thoughts and not even think anything negative about them.  Which is a direct path to forcing myself to pray for them. Or, at least it should be.

And trying to love them.

And by "love" I'm generally aiming for a feeling of "good will."  I think it's in the same ballpark.  Or at least in the right direction.

It's a hard process.

It's a daily struggle.

So Alex Boye's video seemed to capture it for me.  Especially the second and third verses.  Go back and read them above.

For me, it ties back into no negative thing. I can be bitter about certain things and certain people.  Or I can be better and loving.  And if I'm to believe in the words of the scriptures, which I absolutely do, that will lead me to perfection.

At some point.

In the far off future.

 In the meantime, and hopefully much nearer future, it will lead to a happier life for me.  I can't complain about that.

Peter On The Water

You know the story when Peter sees Christ on the water and he wants to walk out and join Him, and Christ tells him to "Come." 

And Peter does.  

He walks on water.  

Can you imagine the thrill of that moment?  "I'm WALKING ON WATER!"  And your eyes are locked with Christ and you're doing it.  I try to imagine Peter's emotions in that moment.  We have those moments.  We just did something hard, or went through something hard and suddenly a blessing is totally obvious and the joy... we did it.  Our eyes are locked on Christ.

But Peter, for whatever reason, remembers the wind around him.  And wind always brings waves. I imagine the wind pulled at his hair and clothes and the spray of the water hit his face.  And Peter's eyes left Christ; his focus was on the waves. 

And in that moment he began to sink.  

We do that too.  We stop looking at Christ because life was going good and easy and we forget how much of that is His help.  So the wind picks up in our lives and the waves come at us and we begin to feel like we're sinking, even drowning in the proverbial sense as I imagine Elder Jeffrey R. Holland would say it.   And we call out, like Peter, "Lord, save me!"

How often I've poured my heart out in prayer in that way.

I love this next part.  IMMEDIATELY Jesus stretches out his hand to save Peter.  

To save us. 

Even while He's shaking His head and saying something to the effect of, "You were right there, you had it.  What happened?  Why did you look away?  Why did you doubt me?"

Because hadn't the wind and waves been there all along?  Even when Peter first set foot on the water?

I think I can relate to Peter, out there on the water.

Maybe you can too.

(Matthew chapter 14)

With Real Intent

This morning, as I was checking my email, I found one from Your LDS Blog that mentioned some EFY (Especially For Youth) songs that I hadn't heard yet.

Being the curious soul that I am, I went to YouTube to find them.

My day is better for it already.

Check this one out.

Glorious, written by Stephanie Smith and preformed by Russ Dixon (who, by the way, is one of the master minds behind Beyond 5 (here)).



Tyler Castleton and Russ Dixon (Beyond 5 masterminds) have been using their talents in the music industry for a very long time, and have had their hand in a lot of EFY music.  Together they put together the 2014 EFY CD, Anxiously Engaged.

Which I own.

Which I love.

You need to hear this song from it.  It's preformed by Patch Crowe (a member of Beyond 5.  Are you guys catching on to how awesome Beyond 5 is yet?)



If you want to read the whole blog post on Russ Dixon and Tyler Castleton and their music ventures you can find it here.

Also, last night I was reading Broken Things To Mend by Jeffrey R. Holland, who is a rockstar in his own right.  In it he quotes part of the scriptures 2 Nephi 31:13, 17; a scripture I've heard and read so often but something about it struck me last night.

The phrase "with real intent" settled into my understanding and took on real meaning.  I stopped reading, all of 6 pages in on that book and I tested out the weight of those words.

With real intent.

And I wondered: what is my intent?  What am I trying to accomplish right now in my life?  Are my efforts real?  Is my desire coming from a sincere place?

Do I have real intent?

I've read on another blog (71toes.com) that every year she picks a motto for herself to live by.  I always liked that idea, but I never got around to doing it for myself.  I know the year is half way over, but I think for the next six months "With Real Intent" is going to be my motto.

I'm going to live the gospel with real intent.
I'm going to mother with real intent.
I'm going to be a wife with real intent.
I'm going to serve the young women in my ward with real intent.
I'm going to study the scriptures and other church books with real intent.

This also goes hand in hand with thoughts I've been having lately.  After praying and praying (and praying) for guidance with the direction of my life it keeps coming to me that I need to focus on the spiritual side of things, study the gospel, focus on teaching the gospel to my girls and in my calling, and if I do that the rest will take care of itself.

It's all just swirling around me, again and again.  Live the gospel.  With real intent.  Study the gospel.  With real intent.  Teach the gospel.  With real intent.

And that's all I need to know.

The Way Is Not Impossible. It Is Simply This: Come Unto Him.

Sometimes I feel forgotten in this big ol' world.

Like there's so much I want to see and do and be but I'm just little me, and I feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to get anywhere, and how could any of that ever come to pass?

When I feel overwhelmed with life and see how much further people are with their dreams than I am, or when I wonder how I'll ever measure up to the desires of my heart, and I start to get a desperate feeling in my chest.

I have some pretty big dreams; some pretty big hopes.  But there's so much for my Father in Heaven to be worrying about, and trying to take care of, how can I really register on the scale of things?  And how could I ever say that I deserve any of it?



But really, who am I to doubt the perfect love of my Heavenly Father?

I am His daughter.  His daughter.

I have been in earnest prayer, pleading for the welfare of my own daughters, worrying that they'll be okay in a new school after moving, anxious that someone would be kind and talk to them, sit by them at lunch, play with them at recess.  And in my anxious, over-full heartfelt pleadings in behalf of my daughters, full of love and hope with such intensity, it came clearly to me.  Words perfectly formed that I heard them without mistake, "This is the love I have for you."

A parent's love for their child.

Perhaps I'm not clear on the direction of my life.  Perhaps I'm not clear on how life will play out for me.  Perhaps it doesn't really matter.

It probably really doesn't matter.  Nothing in this life has gone the way I've planned for it to.  My life has turned out so completely different from how I thought it would, back when I was making school girl plans for life.

The only thing that matters is that He is there.  With the perfect love of a parent.  For me, as His child.

If I'm being perfectly honest with myself, the plans I have probably won't come to pass.  But if I look at the track record of my life there are a couple of things I can be sure of: I will not be doing it alone, the outcome will have a far richer outcome, and I will have far more depth of character for it.

He yearns for me to be safe and secure in life.  He yearns for me to find my way to my dreams and have a life full of happiness.  He yearns for me, as I yearn for my own children, to have love and security and goodness in life.

And He wants to do all He can to help me with it.

Even on those times when I've decided to try to figure it out for myself and He has to step back and let me, He's still there.  With open arms.

The way is not impossible.  It is simply this: Come unto Him.

And then, in the beautiful words of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come what may, and love it."



"Keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. . . . It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” — Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Cups.

Have you heard the radio version of "the cup song" from "Pitch Perfect" yet?

I'm so on this band wagon.


Even if it does sound like she says, "you're going to miss me by my taco" a few times.