Quick update on the West situation for those who care... I told him the next day that I was hurt and pissed and wondered how he could be how he was with me when he was thinking of ending it. I told him I felt I deserved an explanation... He said I was so close to being what he wanted to marry but he couldn't adjust and he didn't feel he could take it farther and he knew that's what I wanted. So the short of it I got dumped for being the "right" girl. Twisted. I'm still struggling with hurt and pain and I think mostly rejection. And I can't decide if I just want to let it be right now and just live life and be me with my girls, or if I should accept some of those invites and venture out again... I think for now until the hurt is gone, I'm just going to lay low and be just me.
On another note, about a year ago I went with my ex to get tattoos, one of the many things I let myself go and do in the name of trying to keep my relationship together and on the mend. The candle that I put in the middle of the heart stood for him as his name meant "candlemaker". Finally, after repeatedly having to answer the question, "what does the candle stand for?" I've finally gotten it changed. I dreaded the thought of doing it again. Somethings are worth a certain amount of pain. But a tattoo, for me, especially on the lower back where there is no muscle to absorb it, pushes me to the thresh hold of my pain limit and it's all I can do to hold still and not jerk away. Last time I did it for the name of my eternal marraige (yes I know I'm pathetic on all sorts of levels) and this time I did it for my sanity. I no longer carry him on my body. And I will NEVER (sorry Jess) be doing it again. Enough is enough for me!
