Our "engagement"... what really happened. Part 2

Part 1

In a last effort to "save" our marriage, my ex and I decided to try counseling to help us with the walls that had been built and with the issues that we had created in our relationship.  After having been to counseling I believe that it truly is something that can help you.  I went again to help me with the effects of things after the divorce and I was given what I needed to let go, forgive myself and others, and move on (here).

Marriage counseling will only help if both partners are willing to listen and take in what's being said and sorted through.  One person can't do it alone.

The ex and I met with the counselor together a couple of times when she suggested that she'd like to meet with each of us on our own. 

Apparently, with my childhood holding certain elements that it did (a small bit of that here), she wanted to talk to me a little more about that.  She told me that she was amazed that I didn't have addictions of my own.  She mentioned that usually kids who are left to raise themselves, in a sense, usually tend to console themselves in habits.  One thing that she pointed out to me was that I was in need of love.  I wanted to be in a loving relationship and yet here I was, married to a man who was incapable of giving it to me.

I only bring this up because I think it comes in to play with West too.  Not the part of him not being able to love me, because he most certainly does, but I believe the part about myself wanting a loving relationship, is what made me hang on through our first year of dating.

During our second date (which was supposed to be our first date), I was finally starting to ease up around him, and I could finally look him in the eye when we talked.  I learned that Matthew was his first name that he rarely used, and that most people in his life call him by his middle name, West.  I watched him swallow an oyster that I wouldn't touch, and our first kiss happened over a pool table.  He took me by surprise, he had just finished his turn and I was coming around the table to line up my shot, ending up right where he was standing when he just leaned in and gently kissed me before getting out of my way.  I looked at him in surprise and he just grinned that killer grin at me.

At that time in my life I was hanging out with my brother Nick and his friend Tyler (who happens to now be my brother in law), and we hung out a lot at a certain club where Nick was a bouncer.  That meant free entry and free pool for me.  Nick had hooked West and I up that night and it so happened that Tyler was there with other people on the pool table next to us.  After West kissed me and walked away Tyler leaned over my shoulder and whispered, "that was smooth."  I laughed, yes it was.  And I liked it.

The first year of dating West was a roller coaster. 
We'd break up (here and here).
We'd find ourselves back together only days later (here).
We'd break up.
We'd find ourselves back together only days later.
We'd break up (here).
After this break up I didn't contact him at all.  I was tired of being dumped.  The break ups were never harsh or rude, there was never any name calling or hurtful things said.  He just said that he knew he wanted to be with someone like me, but he couldn't.  He needed space and I came with me needing companionship and love, and four kids to boot.

Three days later I got a text.  "Can I call you?"
I was so confused.  I had been going back and forth between wondering if I loved him and thinking that this was not the man that I would marry.  I was ready by this third break up to let him just walk away.  I didn't want to do it anymore, no matter what my feelings for him were.

So of course, I let him call me.  And he felt bad that he hadn't heard from me at all.  I told him I was done being dumped, it was getting old.

A few months later we were lying on the couch in my brand new house having a "talk."
I told him that I knew how I felt about him, but I had no idea how he felt about me.  He was sitting, and I was lying across his lap. He said,
"I love you.  I love you very much."
And me being the stoic person that I am (ha), cried. (here)

I trusted that he did.  West wasn't in it for the game of it.  He wasn't feeling the need to win me.  There were no flowers or fluffy words.  He didn't do or say anything until he felt it.  Which led to a very frustrating first year, and a very boyfriend bragging second year.  It was this attribute about him that left me comfortable in knowing that I could trust his intentions, and know that he meant it.

West wanted me to move in right after we hit our year mark and finally said "I love you" to each other.  One month after I bought my very own house, moving out of my apartment.  I huffed.  Where was this four weeks ago?  You know, before I took on my mortgage?

I resisted.  I loved my house.  I loved that I was able to buy it and put my circus in a beautiful neighborhood.  I had great neighbors who helped me out so much and... I was scared of marriage.  So we dated for another year.  Spending every weekend and holiday together, taking the circus to Disneyland for the first time (here, here, and here) and going on a cruise to the Bahamas (here, here, here, here, and here) .  It was a half hour commute between our houses but we saw each other most week nights anyway.  I was living out of my car.  And if I wasn't driving to his house after work, we were on the phone texting and talking for most of the evening.

Finally, by the end of our second year together, talk of taking it to the next step increased. 
We wanted a beach wedding.  Small.  Intimate.  Tropical.
We knew we couldn't afford it.  West wanted me to move in while we saved for it but I knew I couldn't live with him if I wasn't married to him and it seemed we were at a stand still on the matter.

Until I thought of a compromise, and West agreed...

Part 3
Part 4

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